Dudes Of Horror

Treevenge - aka - an environmentalist's wet dream and nightmare all wrapped up in a shiny bow!

2009-12-22T10:40:00.003-07:00

At 16:01 minutes long, I'm not sure if this can count as a "movie," but I'm still going to tout its awesomeness.

You've got your ax & chainsaw wielding yokels and some scared little trees (and honestly, the tree hugger in me died a little inside thinking of all the poor trees that died). I persevered and once it hit the 10 minute mark my demented soul cried out in joy.

Merry Christmas Dudes. Treevenge may be viewed here:

http://twitchfilm.net/news/2009/09/beware-the-furious-foliage-its-jason-eiseners-treevenge.php

Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat (2002)

2009-12-14T13:06:00.001-07:00

Hershel Gordon Lewis came out of directorial retirement after 30 years to make this sequel to his original opus. Was it worth the wait? Actually, I don’t know. I have the original in my Netflix queue, but this sequel was available for streaming so I watched this first. I had no problem keeping up.

Basically the story of the offspring of the original antagonist inherits a store that he rehabs and opens as a catering business. This inheritance came complete with a statue of the goddess Ishtar (no, not the Hoffman/Beatty crap pile) which compels him to slaughter the townsfolk and incorporate them into his dishes. The lion’s share of which are served to the guests at a wedding he caters at the end of the film. I know this sounds just like the plot to the Father of the Bride 2, but you are mistaken.

This movie did not have a huge budget, or any actors I have ever seen before or since. Not to say that this was bad. On the contrary, this had a plethora of elements a great HoPoTo movie should contain: excessive gore, an impressive body count, over the top and/or bad acting, gallows humor, bad puns, completely unnecessary (but not unwelcome) nudity, and stereotypes out the ying-yang (it’s a medical term).

Add to that a swinging rockabilly soundtrack provided by Southern Culture on the Skids and a perv-fect cameo with John Waters as a priest and you have a pretty good horror movie. Lewis didn’t aspire to any high art or try to make it into something it is not. He just did what he does (used to do) well: make a nasty, funny, campy, visceral horror movie. A great way to spend 90 minutes.

4 Georges

Gutterballs (2008)

2009-11-19T12:03:00.002-07:00

Canada….the land of hockey, Maple syrup, poutine, snobby faux-French people, and…bowling-themed slasher movies! This verrrry independent horror pic from the great white north has very good high points, but just as many (if not more) low points.

The story centers around two rival bowling groups at the Excalibur bowling alley. In fact, aside from the proprietor of the lanes, there are no other people in the movie. So there are literally no other people in the movie for the story to center around. Zero other people bowl at this particular alley; I had no idea that bowling was so totally eclipsed by the popularity of hockey in Canada. This is either a sign of how low the budget was or a comment on how sparse the population is in America’s Hat ©.

Anyhoo, these rival ‘teams’ are bowling against each other in a league, I guess (a very small league). One group is 4 douchebags who act like stereotypical crotch-grabbing, braggadocio-infested frat heads and the other group is mostly women and a doughy transvestite (huh?). Well after some friction between the groups, the douchebags gang rape one of the women on the other team, unbeknownst to the rest of her group. The following night is their scheduled match, and the victim doesn’t say anything to her group. Well as luck would have it, the doors get locked and a killer disguised with a bowling ball bag over their head starts knocking off members of both teams, one by one (two-by-two in one case of mutually suffocation by 69 – a first as far as I know). The reveal at the end is way more complicated than necessary, but whatever.

The script was weak, the acting was hyperbolically terrible, and this was clearly a movie filmed over the course of several weeks at a bowling alley after it closed for the night, with NO extras. On the plus side were the pretty gory and well done deaths, and their keeping with the theme of ‘bowling’ in those forced expirations. There was even a part that made me cringe, where the transvestite gets, ahem, bifurcated. There was also ample nudity, although the movie does fall short of a Golden Treehorn.

The other standout detail of the movie which at first was annoying, then became hilarious was the absolute overpackedness of the script with the word ‘fuck’. It was like breathing if one were hyperventilating:
“Hey motherfucker, where’s my fucking beer?”
“I don’t fucking know, get it your fucking self!”
“Whose fucking turn is it to fucking roll?”
“Fuck if I know!”
I would love to see this movie dubbed for television.

So with all that added up, it was a pretty bad movie, but with good effects and skin, and the most egregious use of the word ‘Fuck’. As if the scripts of Deadwood and The Big Lebowski has a baby with Tourette’s. With some non-Euclidiean math, that equals 3 Georges.

Maude's View on The Vampire Lovers

2009-09-26T12:52:00.000-06:00

I've never been much on the classic "Frankenstein Meets the Werewolf" type movies, and therefore, I resisted Hammer Films. But one night I agreed to watch The Vampire Lovers. It was a choice born of desperation. Either that, or something like The Screaming Skull. Imagine my pleased surprise when it turned out that The Vampire Lovers was a genuinely entertaining film.

As we watched the film, I remembered how much I hated Sundays when I was young. Everyone of a certain age who was enslaved to network television knows how shitty Sunday TV is for kids. Sundays were for televised sports (and Kung Fu). But...occasionally, I'd luck out and come across some gem like Sinbad the Sailor or Godzilla or...70s vampire movies! I loved the costumes, the "period" ladies with their back-combed hair, thick eyeliner, fake eyelashes, the thinly veiled sexual innuendo, the heavy handed atmosphere, and of course the vampires. To this day, vampires are my favorite monsters. Because of those movies. Which turned out to be Hammer Films!

It's funny how we take for granted certain screen cliches that are done today as a joke, but at some point in film history were meant in earnest. For example: in Vampire Lovers, the butler visits the local pub. Peasant types all around are carousing, swilling beer, pinching the barmaids. A musician is treating the guests to Oktoberfest style accordion music. During a conversation with the owner, the butler mentions the word "vampire" and suddenly all conversation halts with a
SCREECH of the accordion! And that's a valid source of enjoyment while watching this movie. It's the best kind of camp: the earnest B movie. Forget all the "tongue in cheek" movies today that are so sly and referential. This is the real stuff. Watch actors "ride" horses in front of a screen as their hair blows artfully in the "wind"...see fog machines gone wild...hear ladies compete for the Scream Queen title! It's all here in abundance.

From what I understand, the story for The Vampire Lovers (1970) was taken from Carmilla, a vampire story that predates Dracula. It's been remade many times. Ah yes - but how many of them had such great Breck Girl hair? Carmilla (Ingrid Pitt) is a sexy young woman left in the care of the Morton residence who develops a "friendship" with the younger, vivacious Emma (Madeline Smith). At least, I assume that we're supposed to interpret her psychotic bug-eyed giggles as signs of vivaciousness. Carmilla's intention to prey on Emma until her death is marred by her growing attachment to Emma. In the end, of course, the damsel in distress is saved by a team of do-good men who protect Emma with garlic and crosses while they search for Carmilla's grave and stake her. This is all pretty standard for a vampire flick. But what's not standard is the distinct lesbian bent to the story. Apparently, film censors wanted the more overt scenes removed but Hammer insisted that the lesbianism was not a modern addition, but from the original source material, a novel called Carmilla by J. Sheridan Le Fanu. Right on!

More trivia: the character of Lucy in Bram Stoker's Dracula was modeled after that of Emma from Carmilla. Seeing Francis Ford Coppola's film version, one can readily agree with that. Both are redheaded, ditzy, and both are just a little willing to sample a few Shrub Scout cookies. Also, The Vampire Lovers is the first (and best) of Hammer's Karnstein Trilogy. The other two are Lust for a Vampire (1971) and Twins of Evil (1972).

[Editor's note: Maude began this review on 6/16/07 - thanks for finishing it!!!]

Vampire Ecstacy

2009-08-11T09:35:00.004-06:00

Luv me some sexay vampire movies, and this film is a fine, fine example from the early 70’s, when skinsploitation had crept into most genres. This one involves a group of 4 or 5 naïfs visiting a castle in the back hills of Germany. The castle is run by a satanic priestess or somesuch (Wanda) who is trying to pave the way for the return of a powerful Baroness vampire. This involves a lot of mind control. Much of this mind control is achieved through nekkid/body painted ritual dancing by Wanda and her coven in the basement to the tune of the devilbongos. There is a LOT of this. This is a good thing. This movie gets special recognition for the most suggestively shaped candles in a non-porn movie.

This movie had great atmosphere, the castle setting really delivered the goods (in more ways than one), even though the movie really held no scares or even much blood. Several of the darker shots in the movie are a little too dark, making some of those scenes an audio-only affair, such as the bat attack. The good news is the bat attack denuded the remaining clothed woman, thus earning the movie the much lauded Golden Treehorn. Speaking of nekkidity, the lead naïf, Marie Forsa, has her ample ‘talents’ on display for one reason or another throughout the film. She is the initial target of the coven, her virgin body to be used a vessel for the return of the Vampiress. Well they eventually have to find a new vessel, because……well don’t let me ruin it. I will just say it is worth a watch if you like horror movies with great ambiance and gobs of eye candy, the flavor that the 70’s brought us in many of the horror/exploitation films from that period.

3 Georges and a Golden Treehorn

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

2009-08-09T00:05:00.005-06:00

If you are having a horror moviethon with a group of fellow enthusiasts or just need to 'clear the decks' after watching a poor horror movie, then pop a Troma movie into your DVD player. It really serves as a great mental palate cleanser. Well, cleanse is not an appropriate word, as there is nothing 'clean' about this movie. Troma really has cornered the market on funny/gross/tastless/outlandish/sometimes horrifiying content in their movies and their latest feature really serves as another solid example of this in their canon.

It involves a fastfood chicken franchise built on sacred burial ground and the resultant wave of chicken/hominid zombies which wages a very messy assault on the employees therein. It comes packed to the gills with buckets of blood/fluid splatters, piles of dismembered limbs, reams of crude jokes and gags, and handfuls of bared breasts. It never terrifies, as Troma is never one to take themselves too seriously. Per their norm, they are too busy trying to get to the next sight gag, deluge of blood, or shot of gratuitous nudity - often some delightful combination thereof. The acting is amateur at best, budget is obviously low, and again these are known factors when sitting down to watch a Troma feature. The new aspect that Troma reveals with this movie is several musical numbers. Now I know what you might be saying, "Karl, Fuck that shit, I hate musicals!" or possibly just wretching uncontrollably at the mere mention of the word. Well, there are only a few songs, and they are suitably crude and funny, per Troma's gutter levels of taste. I actually enjoyed them.
I know! It seems like crazy talk, but I speak the truth.

So with all the given pros and cons that Troma brings to the table, this one rates a solid 3 Georges.

Poultrygeist (2006)

2009-08-08T17:42:00.012-06:00

Lloyd Kaufman is nothing if not consistent. I wouldn't quite go so far to say that if you've seen one Troma movie blah, blah, blah. But you can count on either Awful or Awesome, depending on your personal proclivities.

Poultrygeist is, as to be expected, both. In their trademark Troma Independent "Reel Cinema" manner they've inflicted multiple stab wounds into all of the current pop culture illusions, foibles, and just plain fuck-ups. In short order, this fast-food flesh-filled feast of a flick will have you laughing in the mirror of:

Fast Food Culture
College
Empty Causes
Lipstick Lesbians
Patriotism
Muslims
Vegan Whores
Black Pride
Crass Capitalism
Marketing
Fetisism
Musicals
Hollywood
Obesity

and

Terrorism

Along the while you're assaulted by the fully-automatic stream of Troma bad puns ("Sappho B. Anthony") and twisted movie quotes ("You had me from shit-covered mongoloid.") It's a steady stream of laughing, titillation, abject gore, and then the eventual orgy of all three together. This is the Troma formula and it has worked well for them for decades.

Is it horror? Does it scare you, gross you out, make you feel vulnerable or just plain creepy? Are there breasts and killers and things you generally wouldn't plan to view in front of your mother?

The answer to all of these is yes... but with a serious caveat. Troma cinema has always leaned closer to comedy and exploitation than the conventional trappings of the horror film. Each film has been more overt in its social commentary than the last one. There aren't moody scores or carefully lit sets to emphasize the mystery of the creature lurking in the dark. Nope, it's Tromaville. Welcome to fast-talking topless female lead characters and buckets of goo spewing from the mouths of roomfuls of extras and splattered across the walls of brightly lit sets with chicken people and Joe Fleishaker. It's horror, but somehow not horror.

In any event, George has just thrown up three gooey chicken eggs. Bock bock bock. This must mean:

Fun & Games

2009-08-08T16:56:00.004-06:00

Since I'm stuck in Arizona (and not raising him), and I forgot to post these last week when I found them, I present to you the following Entertainment Weekly columns. This way you can exercise your brains instead of annoying Karl's wife.

The top 20 (according to them) horror movies of the last 20 years. I will say that I don't agree with all of them.

And an interactive quiz - admittedly, I didn't do so well. I won't post my score - I don't want Jeff to revoke my "Dudes" decoder ring.

Vampire Junction (2001)

2009-08-08T15:29:00.007-06:00

From the onset, there is absolutely no doubt that the budget of this film is in an altitude limbo contest with the instincts of the director: which will sink lower? The tug of war between these two contestants painfully drags across the surreal cinematic landscape of this bizarre opus for seemingly four and a half hours. It's up for the viewer to decide who wins, and I'm here to tell ya that you should prepare for a photo finish.

In actuality, this film clocks in with a running time of 1:35 but since most of the scenes are presented at one third the normal speed you risk burning in your television screen with images of Eurpoean ass pimples. As the war between the questions of "what is the minimum effort we can get away with paying for this shot?" wages between "what can my strange, aged libido rationalize asking these young actresses to do?" there is another competition afoot. Which out of shape and unappealing actress will chalk up the most utterly (read udderly) unasked for nude scenes on film: Kathy Bates or Lina Romay? Who fucking cares? But Lina has definitely upped the ante here.

When all is said and done this film doesn't truly deserve much attention. I want to pan this thing into a stinking George pile, but there is a conflict raging within me, too. My horror senses weren't left entirely untingled while watching the intentional and unintentional perversities in this film exchange... err... licks. Vampire Junction is like Ed Wood directing a softcore porn flick while praying through time to David Lynch for inspiration. For this- and for the horrifying juxtaposition of gorgeous and gross specimens of femininity blearily basking in their own dreamy decadence for the benefit of Billy the Kidd in a store bought Bela Lugosi-era Dracula cape- I give this film a Silver(?) Treehorn and an arguably deserving two Georges... one for each side of the many conflicts battling against one another in this grand cinematic hypocrisy. Perhaps in ten years we can make the call whether or not Jess Franco's classic films won out over his later shames to prevent his total loss of genre credibility.

Vampire Junction (2001)

2009-08-08T15:07:00.004-06:00

This movie is proof that a Golden Treehorn (100% of the females get nekkid) award is not indicative of quality. This vampire flick has something to do with a journalist in a wild west town in New Mexico and there are a pair of lesbian vampires and a cowboy vampire. Other than that, I can't tell what the fuck the story was. The movie consisted of a horrid music score of jagged synth, freeform jazz, and bizarre symphonic spurts; early 80's style music video editing and effects; and almost continuous softcore sex between 2-3 women. I must say, of all the movies I have seen with a female 3-way, this is the one that least held my interest. Jess Franco is still horny, but clearly he has gone senile.

1 George (for the attractive female vampire) and a reluctant Golden Treehorn

One Eyed Monster (2008)

2009-08-08T12:35:00.005-06:00

Karl did me a solid and provided a guided "fast forward" presentation of this film. The "Karl's Notes" version, as it were. So I haven't seen every second of footage, but I trust my fellow Dude that nothing crucial was omitted during his tour. Too long to be a comment (which is where I began posting this) but too reliant on a previous Dude's effort to stand on it's own, I present my "Fast Track Addendum" to One Eyed Monster.

I have to say it's a damn shame the decision was made to seek an R-rating for this flick. I agree with Karl that Troma could have handled this film better with respect to nudity and gore, but Troma has never approached this level of quality in any of their productions. The writing was well done and acted out a hell of a lot better than you typically find in films with premises this absurd. Even the score was good. Sure, it's chock full of Aliens parallels but in a movie centered around Ron Jeremy's killer cock on the loose these stolen scenes come off (ha ha) as more of a homage than a rip-off.

This film is a comedy at heart which mixes fact and fiction to construct a soapbox for real-life porn stars to wax poetic over their golden years from. I have to admit that I thought it was intriguing and it elicited more than a few laughs out loud. But so did Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind... doesn't mean ol' George wants anything to do with it here.

What this film needed was a lack of restraint. An injection of Troma's inhibition into this production could have created a non-rated masterpiece. This monster needed a some hot gory blood pumping into it's flaccid member. It needed full frontal nudity and scenes of graphic- not implied- penetration. A script with aged porn star characters bemoaning their faded glory status and yearning to recapture the thrill and sensationalism of their youth was well served by real-life ex-porn star actors in the very same predicament. Tragically, what made the One Eyed Monster limp was the failure of these actors to rise to the challenge of going balls-and-all in a horror movie context.

Flaccid Treehorn, indeed.

Desert of Blood (2008)

2009-08-07T16:17:00.004-06:00

Soo.....meh
That pretty much sums up my overall impression of this dusty pile of mess.
A poorly written/acted/directed slowly paced vampire film that takes place in Mexico involving star crossed lovers, one of them being a vampire that was buried by the town priest years before.

It starts promisingly with some topless sunbathing, but quickly devolves into a plodding amateurish mess. And not a fun mess, not unintentionally hilarious, and it had almost zero 'hidden gem' quotable lines. And you are going to make a crappy horror movie, at least show us some skin. And it does at first, but then it teases throughout the rest of the film, showing us plenty of attractive women yet missing every opportunity to show us more of them.

1 George and a Blue Treehorn (for all the wasted flesh potential)

Desert of Blood (2008)

2009-08-07T16:01:00.006-06:00

There's a reason why you see a great pair of teeth... err... teats in the opening minutes of this film: once you're done gawking at Annika Svedman's pear-like plushies, there is absolutely nothing left to sit through this film for. Sadly, that includes Jackie Freed's topless scene where it is painfully obvious that her buxom bosoms were delivered as naturally as the strained acting of her cast mates. An apt title for a film that leaves your palette dry and you loins yearning for even a fleeting glimpse of Tori White's Tecate Treasures. The latter lack of bare breastage earns "Desert of Blood" a Blue Treehorn in my book. Don't waste your time.

Drunken Weekend Review Challenge

2009-08-07T14:06:00.000-06:00

This weekend, Karl and I will be working together to both view and review some films for the ol' site here. We may even get around to 'shopping up some images of our new Treehorn awards.

I have issued the challenge to both of us to quickly review the films right from the couch as the credits roll. We may sacrifice some quality for quantity here, but hell... the site's been pretty slow recently.

Oh and we're drinking, too. Did I really need to clarify that? So don't expect expertly crafted metaphors or AFI quality critiques. The next few days will probably see the site populated with Mr. Skin-esque assessments. C'est la vie.

One Eyed Monster (2008)

2009-08-03T09:59:00.003-06:00

From the Netflix synopsis:
“Stranded by a storm, the cast and crew of a porn flick fall prey to a vicious killer when Ron's (Jeremy) dismembered member is possessed by a bloodthirsty alien. Now they'll have to destroy the slithering monster before it spreads its deadly seed across the world.”

Now that sounds like a perfect Dudes of Horror movie, and the title suggests nothing less than 5 George potential. But sadly, as with most things which seem to be too good to be true, this movie disappoints on almost every level.

It starts with the typical horror movie setup, a bunch of people (porn movie crew) heading to a remote area (mountaintop lodge) that becomes even more isolated (snow storm, no cell phone reception), and introduction of a threat (Ron Jeremy’s detatched alien-possessed hog).

It progresses in typical fashion, the space wang killing each person as they become separated from the rest of the crew (The separate member killing each member separately?), and finishes in a final confrontation (death by Kegels).

So we have an interesting story, standard setup, but here is where the movie loses its footing. There is almost no blood in this movie. 8 people die by an E.T. dongmonster and there is nary a significant splatter to be found, of any bodily fluid for that matter. (Well OK, there is one dribble on a woman’s shoulder just before it attacks her from the rafters.)

I guess they either blew all their budget (shot their wad?) on their cast (all virtual unknowns, with the exceptions of porn icons Ron Jeremy, Veronica Hart, and character actor Charles Napier) or they just didn’t know any good effects people. There are a few effects (a few people get choked out by Ron’s shillelagh), but they are very few and far between. Charles Napier does have a pretty good monologue in the movie about his time in ‘Nam and a previous scrape with a killer schlong, so money well spent on him at least.

The other blatantly missing factor is flesh. In a horror movie which takes place at a remote porn set, all women in the movie should be naked multiple times. That is just a motherfuckin’ fact. OEM has one actress get nekkid. Once. By herself. Briefly.

This movie struck me as something that should have been made by Troma. This sort movie is very much in their purview (perv-view?). They could have supplied what this movie needed in buckets: gooey, gross, bloody, naked, and funny. Without that it stands as merely another example of wasted potential.

1 George and a Flaccid Treehorn

Question for the Dudes (and Dudess)

2009-07-27T14:11:00.003-06:00

Should the Jesus request that her mother send her copy of Deathbed for an August gathering? (I believe there was some talk of Jeff visiting in early August, but the Jesus will be sadly unable to attend.) A Karl's birthday / HoPoTo gathering could be fun.

I promise to work on my Captivity review, but I need to make a phone call first.

These Vampires Don’t Sparkle.

2009-03-30T10:28:00.005-06:00

Let the Right One In.

Here's what Netflix has to say about it: "Twelve-year-old Oskar, the constant target of bullies, spends him time plotting revenge and collecting news items about the grisly murders plaguing his town. Things change for Oskar when he meets new girl, Eli, a misfit vampire who steals his heart. As a serial killer continues to prey on teen boys in the village outside Stockholm, Sweden, Eli helps Oskar find the courage to stand up to his tormentors."

My favorite line of the Netflix review "a misfit vampire steals his heart." Really, Netflix, that's what you're going with? Are you trying to curry the favor of the 'tween crowd searching for a new Bella & Edward. Ugh. It's Monday, and I really don't have the energy to rustle up the righteous indignation the Netflix review needs.

Let the Right One In is unlike any vampire movie I've seen. In fact, I learned a few new "facts" about vampires. I also think it's mislabeled as a horror movie. It's a beautifully shot, sweet and tender coming of age story, where one of the lead characters just happens to be a vampire.

Oskar hasn't had it easy, his parents are divorced, his dad is probably gay, Mom isn't around all that much. Added to this stew is the fact that some bastard kid has decided that Oskar is the perfect kid to kick around (let's pause for a moment to question why Oskar - the Bully's minions cry the entire time they beat Oskar up? Why not get some different minions and beat your old ones?). Furthermore Oskar gets some new neighbors and some freaky shit starts to go down around town.

Oskar's new neighbor Eli hangs around in the snow without a coat, smells funny sometimes and doesn't go to school even though she's the same(ish) age as he is. Eli implores Oskar to stand up to his bully and he makes something of an effort. Emboldened, Oskar & Eli play in the school basement, Oskar decides he wants Eli to be his blood-sister, slices his hand open and his new friend freaks out and starts licking the blood puddle on the floor. Oskar begins to question his new friendship, especially her "tastes."

Eli's keeper, having gone all Two-Face is no longer in the picture and she now has the place to herself (roommates can be such a bother). Oskar & Eli hang out in her apartment, she shows him her treasures and he questions her taste for blood. Once he comes to terms with the fact his new friend is a vampire, he wants to protect her from all who wish her dead.

The final five minutes of the movie elicited an audible "awww" from The Jesus.

I'm curious to hear what Karl has to say about the movie (Karl, the Jesus and another aficionado each received a copy from Netflix within a few days of each other) upon his return from the hinterland.

I give it 3.5 George's - though it doesn't have really any "George" worthy qualifications, the story, though it worth it.

Eyes of Laura Mars (1978)

2009-02-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

This is a actually a mystery/thriller, not a horror movie per se... but since it appeared in the FearNet section of Comcast's OnDemand service (and since I am trying to recover from a dearth of posts) I'm reviewing the damn thing. It starred Faye Dunaway, Tommy Lee Jones, Raul Julia, and Brad Dourif who were all directed by Irvin Kershner (Empire Strikes Back ring a bell?) So that's how I was suckered in, anyhow.

In hindsight, I probably should have re-watched The Virgin Witch.

John Carpenter has yet to make me his fan, and this story didn't help. To the Eyes of Jeff Horror, this seemed like a lame Hitchcock attempt... minus the clever Hitchcock ending. That being said, there is a truly creepy performance by one of the actors in the end (I'm avoiding serious spoilers.) I dug the music by Artie Kane who also scored Devil Dog, Hound of Hell (a film released on television in the same year.)

On the musically negative side we find the featured song, "Prisoner", by Barbara Streisand. It was a perfect choice of song topic for the film's audience (I wanted to be freed) but I truly can't stand that bitch. One of the producers was dating Streisand at the time and bought this script for her to star in, but she declined. Thank George for that. I could stomach Tommy Lee Jones getting busy with Faye Dunaway... but Streisand? Ugh.

The titular character, a career photographer, is cursed with seeing through the eyes of a serial killer in her nightmares. She turns a negative to a positive by using these images in her work which becomes both sensational and extremely lucrative, two adjectives that I doubt applied to the box office release of this movie. (Ok, so the film made money- but it was no Star Wars.) Her photographs are much in the same vein of those by Helmut Newton, which makes sense because many of the photos used in the movie were taken by Helmut Newton.

I slagged though this film curious to see a young Brad Dourif in his usual role as creepmeister and curious to see if the nude photographer plot device would pay off with some high grade nudity that the Eyes of a Dude could take in. (High quality, indeed, but too brief. You're much better off with Hostel.)

Brad being hot.
I had to keep my sights on the puerile aspects of the film because it wasn't doing too much to engage me as a thriller through its plot. A lot more tension could have been built by having the protagonist see herself though the eyes of the killer during a few scenes. It would have been more affecting- at least to this viewer- than multiple murder scenes composed similarly from a shot of an icepick approaching the victim's eye cut to a close-up of the eye surround by a few dabs of theatrical blood. Meh.

Two Georges for moderate levels of creep, decent production value, and a smattering of fashionista flick-tips on screen. Negative points awarded for inflicting Barbara Streisand during the credit sequences.

Habitat (1997)

2009-02-17T12:57:00.002-07:00

I hesitate to post this here as this movie doesn’t entirely qualify for this site, but I felt compelled to, as I was led astray by the brief movie description that Netflix had for this “gem” from the 90’s. I also wanted to review this as Jeff had mentioned the dearth of horror movies from that decade in a conversation I had with him recently.

Netflix’s description of the film:
“With the Earth's ozone layer completely depleted, people must remain indoors, safe from the sun's deadly rays, in this sci-fi horror flick. Scientist Hank Symes (Tcheky Karyo), however, thinks he has a solution: a genetically altered ecosystem. But when Hank's bizarre experiment mutates both he and his family into otherworldly creatures and transforms his house into a living, breathing monster, no one is safe.”

The category that www.imdb.com has the film under is sci fi/fantasy, hmm.

Well it took waaaay to long to get to the horror elements of the movie. The movie starts as the main characters (the Symes family) are moving to a new home in a new town where scientist/hippie visionary dad can set up his new lab and hippie mom (Alice Krige) can support him and prance around in her see-through clothes.

Well, day one of moving in and dad’s new lab in the basement goes all cablooie and dad gets absorbed (literally!) into his work and becomes part of the ecosystem the house develops after the lab meltdown. The house goes all primeval forest-like. Everything is wet, and not in a good way. And dad is a swarm of bugs or something.

Well junior can’t seem to settle in, no thanks to the jerk-ass gym/boxing coach and his jerk-ass student protégés who fancy themselves the school bullies. Well they suck at it, as do just about all of the actors who aren’t the protagonist family in this movie. But he does have the hots for the coach’s daughter (Laura Harris, the snotty hottie in Dead Like Me and a lead in The Faculty), which pays off with a nice skinny dipping scene late in the movie.

So anyhew, the snooping jerk-ass locals start getting all tresspassy and affected/attacked by the dad-o-sphere jungle. Sure enough, the authorities get called in and attempt to capture/contain the problem. This does not go well. The few comparatively decent gory/horror scenes happen during this sequence. Mom gets absorbed by the house and becomes a magic swarm of flies like dad and they fly off together. Junior and coach’s daughter get immunified against the harsh effects of the ozone layer-free sun (thanks to dad-jungle) and run off to have adventures and shit, like Cain in Kung-Fu.

This Canadian production spent most of its budget on the house-jungle, which was actually semi decent. There were some CGI effects but they looked about 10 years out of date for the year in which it was made. A large portion of the movie was a crappy high-school drama. The storyline of the movie came off as a message/lesson type, but by the end of the movie, it trails off into nothing.

So on the down side you have a plethora of crappy writing, bad acting (and not so bad its good), painful CGI, and on the up side you have a pretty neat dad-jungle set and Laura Harris’ breasts.

2 Georges

Jeff's Sinister Six

2009-02-17T00:06:00.001-07:00

Hey! It's My One Hundredth Post! What better way to celebrate than to respond to the call for an official Dudes of Horror "top ten" list? As one sixth of the crew I would only be able to vouch for about one and two-thirds films (or one-point-666) if we were to attempt some manner of official consensus. Screw that. I'm just listing mine and I'll let them list theirs. That's how we do things around here!

Furthermore, you're not getting ten out of me! Instead, I'll make the assumption that six is a nice number to settle on for the genre at hand. These are my Six Sinister Selections and I don't give a George's Ass if you don't deem them "classic" enough- I like 'em! Here they are:

Return of the Living Dead
Pumpkinhead
Evil Dead II
The Abandoned
Janghwa, Hongryeon (aka "A Tale of Two Sisters")
The Vampire Lovers

If I had to program an emergency horror fest from my private collection of DVDs that showcased what I feel are some of the best out there, these Sinister Six would be in the forefront of my mind. Have I weighed every horror film I have ever seen against one another and then consulted a complex subjective matrix of requisite qualities to determine the winners? No. Neither did I draft a panel of notable blogosphere "experts" to vote and subsequently arrive at a list that anyone with a passing interest in horror could have constructed on their own. I just made a list, man. These are films I dig and have repeatedly enjoyed watching.

Six films are a lot to sit through in one go, so if I had to squeeze my selections into one day's viewing then either "The Abandoned" or "Two Sisters" would have to sit it out. These two selections tread on some similar ground in their presentations and I don't think either one would be done justice if it had to follow the other.

Once upon a time I proposed a daily programming formula to Karl for our beloved Hopoto festivals. Each slot had a distinct place in the evening and attempted to complement the arc of events as a fine wine complements a fine cheeseburger. Or something to that effect... Anyhow, if I applied this time-tested programming methodology to my Six Sinister Selections, the main night would work something like this:

We'd start off before dark with a somewhat accessible film that anyone breezing through the viewing room might enjoy. Something fun, yet substantial. An appetizer, if you will. "Return of the Living Dead" is some of the most fun I have ever had in horror. It also works well as an introduction to the genre for any uninitiated who may be in attendance. With scares, laughs, boobs, gross outs, and a new take on an old tale, this film pretty much has it all covered.

Once the initiation had taken place, we'd move further into the dark haunted woods of horror. With the sun now set, the tone could now likewise transit from light to dark as horror fans supplant horror groupies and ready themselves for action. A solid film with atmosphere and story is required... but not necessarily something that demands your undivided attention. After all, you still have plenty of partying to do and the crowd could very well be noisy and over-jubilant. No need to be a Nazi... yet.

"Pumpkinhead" certainly takes more than a few steps into haunted woods. This oft-overlooked gem of a film is serious in tone and hefty on the creature effects, being a pet project of veteran creature-creator Stan Winston. Although it eventually (and briefly) sort of lapses into the tired eighties serial killer routine, the ride is creepy and fun to watch. This is absolutely one of my favorites if only for the atmosphere of the witch's shack and the pumpkin patch. To me, it screams Halloween. Light a bunch of candles and eat candy when you watch it.

The third film is meant for the hardcore. This is the showpiece- the bearer of high expectations by a discriminating audience of horrorphiles. No sissy films will be tolerated here, and the audience is asked to be attentive. Loud films- and especially those with quality sound presentations- belong in this slot. That being said, it's hard to find a better candidate than "Evil Dead II." Having the distinction of carrying the only Full George rating yet at The Dudes of Horror, it demands your full attention and won't disappoint!

The fourth film is in a unique position: it aims to please hardcore (and still awake) attendees who want more horror goodness but at the same time hopes to settle the senses somewhat as sleep approaches. As if those requirements weren't difficult enough, it additionally must face the reality that whichever viewers haven't already passed out yet are probably about to. A proper selection for this slot is one which is heavy on imagery over narrative. Such a film stands a better chance of conveying its content to those folks who find themselves consciousness impaired.

Out of my six selections, "The Abandoned" would fare the best here. Lulling you into a dreamlike state with its wonderful scoring and ghostly imagery this movie can deliver the horror goodies regardless of whether you are following its twisted storyline. In my opinion it was the best film exhibited during the original "8 Films to Die For" event and remains a solid contender in the much larger world of horror.

In the final programming slot, a quieter and more visually pleasing (read "lots of skin") film is placed for brief viewing in between tossing and turning sleepily on the couch. You don't want this selection to have the potential to scare the living shit out of you if you quickly wake up from a nightmare that was already scaring the living shit out of you. This is where the "Po" in "Hopoto" (aka the HOrror POrnaThOn) would generally find itself, but this is also where "The Vampire Lovers" finds itself in my programme of horror film favorites.

This Hammer Film is wonderful to wake up to and pleasantly conducive to falling right back asleep again. Although The Virgin Witch has much greater potential to deliver the bare necessities to sleepy-eyed patrons, "The Vampire Lovers" is by far the superior presentation. A large castle containing large... assets... and more period costumes than you can shake a stake at. Just the kind of thing you'd naturally encounter on late-night television in times of yore, without the edits and commercials.

Attentive readers will note that I haven't yet placed "A Tale of Two Sisters". Aha! This film properly belongs in the middle slot where it was effortlessly usurped by the Evil Dead. Its complex plot and masterful Dolby Digital EX soundtrack demand center stage and its subtitles certainly require an attentive audience. If the screenings of my six films could take place over two nights, it would be center stage during one of them. I would refrain from screening this film during the same session as "The Abandoned" because it also relies on atmosphere and runs nearly two hours long. The running time is well worth it, though. A lush production and deep plot matched with superior scenes of horror make it a feast for the true aficionado.

So there's my list and I can finally get some sleep. Perhaps I'll queue up that Hammer Film...

Devil Dog: Hound of Hell (1978)

2009-02-10T00:15:00.000-07:00

Lost: Devil Dog, Hound of Hell

Last seen on TV in 1978

Father victimized by Martine Beswicke in a satanic cult ritual

Sold into the slavery of a wandering pedophile

Shot by Richard Crenna

Immolates housemaids

Causes drowning

Sets random fires

Mesmerizes homeowners to attempt self-mutilation

Corrupts families

Breeds insanity

Is possessed by the devil

Answers to name of "Lucky"

The Lifetime Channel's Horror Spotlight Presents: El Orfanato

2009-02-08T21:26:00.006-07:00

This movie is the English Patient of horror films. Like a dramatic love story, you need to have a soft spot somewhere in your heart to enjoy the full impact of this film. So I fucking hated it. F. Epic Fail.

Alright, alright... so this isn't really a beer chugging, pizza and wild times with your friends feel-good zombie romp. It's a high production ghost story that relies heavily on a realistic sense of creep. Whereas the classic "Dead" films (the Dawn of the Deads, the Evil Deads) hit you over the head with gory images and lead you into a hyper-realistic world of special effects makeup, El Orfanato's few gory images take place within the context of the "real world" conjured up for the viewer by an adept production crew. When a horrible image is portrayed it's affecting not simply in a "ewww yuck!" or "wow, that was cool" way; rather, it's like waking up in the middle of the night to find a half-rotted animal twitching under your bed. It works.

I conjure up the sublime, unholy-yet-hallowed names of the Dead Movies for good reason: El Orfanato approaches this level of horror greatness. Yet, in the macabre zoo of horror film beasties you'll find this Guillermo del Toro offering to be a half-rotted animal indeed: its genetic makeup of half horror and half heartstring-pulling drama make taxonomical placement difficult. Ultimately, the film doesn't fully satisfy the requirements of either camp to be the shining star of any particular pigeon-holed genre... and this is good. It stands on its own- each foot firmly placed across categorical boundary lines- to affect its audience while telling a solid story. Simply put, it's a really good movie.

We are not, however, The Dudes of Drama. There are no laughs and no boobs; furthermore, finding myself at the closing credits feeling like a middle-aged woman who just sat through the fucking Bridges of Madison County means that something is quite amiss in Dudeville. Arriving at a rating somewhere between 3 and 4, I hired a team of Spanish mediums to contact the spirit of our dearly departed namesake, George. I took his ghostly squeaks of approval in my ears to indicate that extra fractions of George points could be awarded not only for the excellent and effective Dolby Digital 5.1 sound mix but also for the brief cameo of one of George's relatives in the scene where the cache of dolls is discovered.

The Orphanage rates a solid four Georges, but don't plan a party around it- you may be too bummed out afterward to eat the cake.

The Virgin Witch (1972)

2009-02-05T21:02:00.007-07:00

There isn't too much I can say about this film that Edgar Wright hasn't already said about it (at length) here but I'll try.

First of all, this movie scores a George right out of the gate: quite literally in the very first frame of actual movie footage. Blam! Bewbs! A second George for laughs may as well be awarded in the next few seconds, as the opening credits are so humorously spattered with campy shocked expressions on nude actresses that you can't help but laugh. I'll admit that I was hooked from the start, and set about trying to organize a Dudes viewing as soon as I could. (Thank you, The Jesus, ever so much for bringing this film's existence to my attention!)

Secondly, it is worth noting that Edgar admittedly has a fondness for inflicting "bad" films like this one on groups of friends. As someone who has scared away too many of Maude's friends in the past for doing just the same, I'm not about to cast any stones in that direction; rather, I'd go so far to say that this is the only way to properly enjoy this film. Without a group of friends to laugh at the many unintentionally funny moments, you may find yourself somewhat ashamed to be spending 88 minutes alone with Ann Michelle's naked seventies boobs on your television screen. Or not. Depends on who you are, I suppose.

Edgar pointed out that many of the actors appearing nude should not have. It was just such a scene (the ritual in the final reel) that drove Maude out of the viewing room. As a matter of fact, I think it was this dude who did the trick:

On the other hand, if I had grown up (as I suppose Edgar did) watching Vicki Michelle in countless BBC reruns of 'Allo 'Allo then I'd be scouring the internet trying to get my hands on this film. For an American teenage boy today it would be akin to discovering that Keri Russell appeared fully naked for gratuitous amounts of screen time in a seedy "Rosemary's Baby" ripoff.

Although it has been pointed out elsewhere that the sisters portrayed in the film are, in fact, real-life sisters (Ann and Vicki Michelle) I haven't seen any mention of a rather taboo moment between them. As we all know from films like Satan's Blood, you can't have an occult ritual without rubbing down a naked female with some form of lubricant. To prepare her sister for initiation into the coven, Ann Michelle makes sure that Vicki gets her left breast adequately lubed up for the occasion. Perhaps if I were a gal I'd think nothing of rubbing tanning lotion all over my sister's breasts while vacationing at some European beach... but as a guy I can't help but think this movie moment was pretty damn pervy. Chalk it up to the perverse powers of Skull Butter, I suppose.

The Virgin Witch does indeed entertain, but the only scares came from seeing creepy grandpa up there in the buff. Although seeing this in 1972 was probably much more shocking to the average Joe than it is for a Dude of Horror in 2009, in a modern context it is just plain silly. Aside from the laughs and the flesh-fest there simply wasn't anything else present to boost my rating above 2.5 Georges. Karl, who watched this film with me from a remote location in our beta testing of "Remoto", arrived at this same rating. Watch it with your friends, but follow it up with something truly frightening.

Cause everyone else is doing it...

2008-12-26T14:54:00.003-07:00

Of course, I'm just going to link it. A take on the top 25 "modern" horror movies. Dudes (and Dudess), I think we can (and should) make our own list (and/or improve upon this one).

Ils (Them) (2006)

2008-11-04T13:46:00.002-07:00

I wanted to like this one. I really did. But through the consistently horrible decisions of the 2 protagonists, I found myself glad that Darwinism took its course.

Picture a French couple living in a pretty neat old mansion in the countryside of Romania. She is a French teacher in a nearby school and he is, well who knows, he is just overly sensitive about his cooking (and no, that is not a euphemism). Well, their little Eden is intruded upon in the form of noises in the night that need investigating, turning the power to the house on and off, theft of their car, invasion of their home, and ultimately their deaths (assumedly, since they are dragged off camera).

Throughout the ordeal they are “chased”, (although the protagonists rarely see the antagonists) through their home and eventually their plot of land. During this time they make very few good choices, so often that I was actively yelling at the screen at how stupid they were. Now I will forgive bad choices that happen at crucial moments that keep the story going, and in horror movies they can be explained by the throes of panic, but for two thirds of the movie to be stockpiled with them smacks of laziness.

The couple flees their house into the wilds of their property, being chased by the creepy sounds of their attackers and find what I initially called ‘the forest’s basement’. It seemed to be a sewer system or system of tunnels out in the middle of their property, which has at least one grated vent next to a fairly well traveled road, so they weren’t completely isolated. Seems to me they could have hoofed it over land and made it to this road and been able to get a lift. No no, let’s go down into a likely dead end!

SPOILER

So when the reveal comes that their attackers are all grade school kids, it just aggravated me further. I was pissed at the kids, moreso at their parents, and at the school system. The final shot is of a school bus picking up the killer kids in the morning as they run to it, fresh from offing the couple. Their teachers don’t call home to see why Johnny is caked in blood and mud? Bah.

To sum up: Stupid protagonists who make it impossible to identify with, virtually no gore, no nudity, no laughs, nothing really new, and antagonists that are aggravating for all the wrong reasons.

The only reason this gets a rating above a zero is because it is short, coming in at a slender 77 minutes.

Voila un epece de putain merde! (pardon my poor French)

1 George

And then there's Maude

2008-11-04T12:07:00.005-07:00

So, Ils what can one say about Them? One could say that it wasn't the best horror movie in recent memory. One could say that the protagonists deserved their grisly deaths for being monumentally stupid. Alternately one could say that Maude scaring the bejesus out of the Jesus was the best thing about it.

I will say that I envied the idiots their house, although I don't understand why any house would have a two-level attic - that's just weird.

I know this isn't much of a review, however, my compadres will redeem me (or vouchsafe me - whichever you prefer).

Final thoughts - at least I didn't have to watch Saw.

so, halloween...

2008-11-01T23:03:00.002-06:00

We are really freaking sad. Special thanks to Maude for helping, but it doesn't excuse. Jesus tells me (cause, I would know) that MANY reviews of Ils will be coming. Also, Zombie Stripper which I'm afraid will be overlooked coming the NOW Awards of the years will be forthcoming.

Hold tight dear readers.

Love, of course,

Jesus

ONLY with good touches, and NO touches during the haunt

PS We drink too much wine. Woooo!!!! Elipsis!

SLITHER

2008-10-20T09:36:00.003-06:00

OK, it’s not obscure, it’s boobie-less, and there is no Big black prosthetic spunking beast todger. So what? This movie still kicked ass.

James Gunn, previously of Troma and partial screenplay writer for the Dawn of the Dead remake, created a little gem here. The movie is set in Hicktown USA, populated by hunters, line dancing rednecks, and cops who like to clock birds with their radar guns. A meteorite lands in the woods and out crawls a parasitic alien life form, which launches itself at Grant Grant, out in the woods looking for a good time with a barfly he picked up while stewing about his marriage. Grant then turns into a mutant squid, cleans out the town’s population of dogs, spawns a legion of mouth-seeking leeches, and turns almost the entire town into zombified hive mind minions. Nathon Fillion (a.k.a. Captain Tightpants), as sheriff Bill Pardy, basically reprises his Firefly role as a wisecracking, gun-toting cowboy (as God intended it) and saves the Earth but not before we get to see a whole lot of splatter. It pays homage to B-grade horror and is meant to be funny and gross. Reminds me of the good old days, when my brother and I used to rent bad horror by the truckload and laugh our asses off.

Sadly, Slither was a box office bomb. I guess people were more interested in Stay Alive, which of course was a movie about…what? Remind me? Oh yeah, a video game where you DIE FOR REALS. Whatever.

I think the real fault of Slither lies not in the film but in movieplex pricing. If I’m going to pay $10.50 for a movie, plus concession, plus baby-sitter, plus time spent sitting through 20 minutes of network television commercials before the coming attractions even start, then I want to be pretty sure that it’s going to be an awesome movie experience. In a world where Uwe Boll is making movies, people are a little leery of horror. If a horror film isn’t advertising itself as The Most Extreme Torture Mystery Thriller To Ever Rock Your World, it’s gonna be an uphill battle. Did I see Slither in the theater? No. Would I recommend it as a rental or a DVD purchase? Yes. By the GRS (George Rating system) it only gets 3 Georges...no boobs, no scares, but plenty of laughs, gore, and a fresh approach. I’m bumping it up to 4 Georges just because of the plethora of the latter three criteria. And Captain Tightpants.

Calvaire (The Ordeal) 2004

2008-09-02T09:55:00.002-06:00

Calvaire is a refreshing survival horror flick from the horror capital of the world, BELGIUM. OK, so maybe Belgium is a country better known for its beer. And maybe refreshing applies more aptly to the beer, but even with its obvious influences and odes, this movie takes a less traveled path.

Speaking of less traveled paths, that is where the protagonist’s van breaks down in the middle of the woods in rural Belgium. Marc is a solo singer/performer taking his show to various hot spots of entertainment around the country, starting with what looks to be a retirement home, where he is hit on by the nursing staff and the residents. He finishes the gig and gets on the road to make it to some Christmas Gala. Van breaks down and he finds some rustic inn nearby and is taken in by its kindly wizened proprietor, Bartel. Over dinner we learn that Bartel used to be a comedian and his wife (who left him) was a singer, like Marc. Well, after Marc spends the night after Bartel offers to fix the van, things start to get weird. Bartel decides that Marc is his wife that has returned to him, so he knocks him out with a car battery and puts him in a dress and, um “styles” his hair.

The local villagers are no better mentally, as they see Marc as Bartel’s returned wife as well. At least the leader of the villagers, played by Philipe Nahon (the disturbing lead in “I Stand Alone”) sees Marc as Bartel’s ex-wife, who he apparently had a thing for when she was around. So in addition to Bartel’s twisted captivity, the locals come after him as well, which leads to a lovely romp through the countryside.

Calvaire is a first effort from director Fabrice Du Weiz and he avoids a lot of the cliché horror movie fallbacks. There are no stab cues in the music, the ending is very non-standard, and although I am a fan of excess gore, I don’t think this would have benefited this movie. It would have hurt the impact of the creepy and disturbing parts (like the dancing scene at the local watering hole, or Marc’s visit to the ‘petting’ farm). The downside of avoiding horror clichés is the lack of nudity, although he does manage to shoehorn in a teeny bit via a stack of Polaroids from the nursing staff to Marc, as part of his “payment”. Definitely worth a watch.

3 Georges

El Orfanato (The Orphanage) (2007)

2008-06-11T09:59:00.007-06:00

Why is it that all ghost stories all occur in creepy old HUGE houses? Why is it (except for that one episode of Angel) that they never happen in apartments? Is it something in the fundamental nature of creepy huge houses. I mean I live in huge old house that's divided up into apartments, but no ghosts (considering we think it used to be a brothel back in the day, one would think there'd be a ghost or two of a whore wandering about, but no... the guy in the basement thought he heard a ghost once, but it turned out to be my cat). What was I talking about, oh yeah, creepy old houses & ghosts, so yeah, did you see The Others? If so, you may as well have seen El Orfanato. This is not to say I didn't like the movie, quite the opposite in fact, I very much enjoyed the flick. It relied upon the score to create that essential atmosphere of creepy. If I could have been fortunate enough to see it with surround sound, I'd probably be scared out of my wits - especially the psychic scene (I kept waiting for the psychic from Poltergeist to show up). It had a better story and was beautifully shot, however, once the old woman is identified, you know where the story is going. Albeit except for the twist at the end (spoiler - it's kind of an M. Night twist)

That said, I sincerely believe the little kid who played Simón could pull off Damien in a heartbeat.
Not to mention his little invisible friend who thinks he's the Scarecrow from Batmang - that kid gave me the willies.

All in all an enjoyable flick, very worthwhile. It was apropos that I happened to watch it during a thunderstorm, which made the atmosphere even better. If I had an ounce of foresight, I could have watched it via candlelight.

Oh yeah, sorry boys, no nudity.

Still,

4 Georges.

Sheitan (2006)

2008-06-09T13:17:00.002-06:00

The French have taken a traditional horror story arc and added their own style and flavor, resulting in a pleasing vichyssoise called Sheitan.

A bunch of 20 somethings mix it up in the club/disco scene in the big city (they call them discos in Europe, yet they feature no disco music OR bellbottoms, what gives?) and meet a hottie who invites them all to her rustic country manse to continue the party and enjoy the Christmas Holiday. They all pile into a car and make the trek to BFF (like BFE, but in France) where they encounter Vincent Cassel along the road when they have to stop the car due to a goat roadblock. Vincent plays a creepy crusty bumpkin really well.

The kids make it to the expansive house where they get a partial tour that includes a room of doll parts, from the hottie’s father’s former doll making business we are told. Vincent is called the housekeeper/groundskeeper of this abode, but I think he owns the joint, and he has a wife that is kept tucked away (for good reason, it turns out) for most of the movie.
Over dinner Vincent relates a little story about incest, a deal with the devil, and a special ‘gift’. By the end of the movie we learn that the story is about Vincent and is the reason the kiddies were brought out to the farm. Violence and mayhem ensue, and the movie ends with a most disturbing Christmas Family Portrait.

This movie had a pretty good balance of everything that makes a great horror movie: a few laughs, nudity, clever camera shots, oddball characters, and mounting tension/unease culminating in disturbing violence. The soundtrack, particularly the music in and around the front half of the movie included some great techno/fusion/trance (whatever the hell the kids call it these days). There were a number of really clever camera shots throughout the movie, including a subtle shift in camera focus, moving ones eye from the 3-way happening in the foreground to Vincent Cassel leering into the room from outside the house whilst hanging from a ledge.

The movie is packed to the gills with hell/underworld/biblical temptation and punishment imagery and symbolism. Some is a bit heavy handed, but it’s great fun to shout them out when you see them. (Eve offering people apples, dude getting frightened by a snake and Vincent chastising him and taking care of the snake, Club Styxx, a very satanic looking goat, and there’s even a plague of locusts in someone’s bed!)

The fact that Sheitan is this director’s (Kim Chapiron) first feature-length movie makes it even better. I can’t wait to see what he does next.
So to all those responsible for this bit of celluloid, I say this: “Mercy Buckets, mes amis!”
4 Georges

Sheitan (2006)

2008-06-08T20:12:00.004-06:00

So every year the Big American Picture Companies put out their annual quota of horror films (about one) targeted at the current generation of teenage moviegoers. Scream. I Know What You Did Last Summer. Etc, etc, ad nauseum. They're the perfect movie to go see with cute Susie Jones or hot Bobby Smith because Susie gets an excuse to scream and Bobby gets an excuse to put his arm around her. The movie can be as shitty as it wants to be because until the day when there aren't any teenagers and/or movie theaters there will always be a market for one-and-a-half hours in a dark room with excuses for teenage courtship.

But if you're like me, the question burning in your mind right now is: what are these movies like in France? (Ooo la la!)

Yeah... it wasn't exactly burning so hot in my mind, either. But I'm here to tell you that if "Sheitan" is any indication then perhaps the French cousins of our American teen horror films are a notch or two above the usual fare.

What you get:

Some creepy scenes and at least one that's downright gross

A hot female lead who gets delightfully naked

Ample laughs

Which essentially translates to: scares, sex, and fun: the essential ingredients of any good horror film.

But Evil Dead II this is not.

The plot is another variation of "kids stumble into a house of evil" and in this case is of the big mansion variety (ala Satan's Blood). Nothing new there. The film also has its share of minor cliches and plot holes.

What makes it watchable is that all of the elements are presented with technical merit: there's some great editing (the sunset sequence), clear and colorful processing (emphasizing natural colors rather than using oppressive color filters), and good acting: Cassel is brilliantly creepy. I even liked the soundtrack.

The Tartan DVD release is presented in 5.1 DTS Surround along with the standard Dolby Digital 5.1 and 2.0 audio tracks, per their usual (very welcome) standard. It's nice to see Tartan bringing us a film from a non-Asian country! How many more times do we need to witness a horror scene end with a punctuated cut of a pale-faced kid in a long black wig?

Although the film's dialog is in French, English subtitles are available and are done rather well.

This sure isn't a classic but I'm guessing it will beat the hell out of Saw XIV.

4 Georges.

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

2008-05-20T14:49:00.002-06:00

The simplified moral I came away with from this bit of celluloid is ‘Americans can be real jerkwads’. I know what you are thinking, that really isn’t something that the world doesn’t already know. Well maybe the world was a bit hazy on the point back in 1980.

It’s a movie about an anthropologist who goes off into the deep green jungle to find out the fate of a team of documentarians. The anthropologist finds the remains of the team, along with all the footage they shot. The footage is reviewed and it turns out the documentarians are a bunch of real jerkwads: killing the local fauna, killing members of the various tribes they encounter by gun and mass immolation, the occasional rape of some local lucky lady; you know, general dickholery. The natives eventually kill all members of the group one by one, most of it caught on film.

Most of the deaths of the humans seemed realistic, apt for the “real documentary footage” feel of the film within the film, but the error the director made was having the footage be all nice and spliced together. There were two cameras in the documentary crew and the footage the anthropologist recovered from the jungle was seemingly already through the editing room, rather than separate reels from the separate cameras.

The big negative that just completely distracted me for the length of the film was the killing of animals that happened throughout the “recovered” footage. 7 different species are killed on film, purely for the sake of the film. For a shitty cannibal movie like this, the director was seemingly scrambling for anything to gain some sort of notoriety. This kind of bullshit stunt erases any positives his movie may have accrued. I guess Italians can be real jerkwads, too.

0 Georges

Sidenote: There was a bigass billboard ad for J&B whiskey in the movie, staple of Italian horror of the 70s.

À l'intérieur (2007)

2008-05-07T20:10:00.004-06:00

Dang, a dearth of posts, now a plethora... that's how the Dudes roll.

À l'intérieur

Well, goddamn, those French sure are a stabby bunch of people. If ever there was a reason not to contract sperm poisoning, this movie is it.

Highlights include some of the most creative arterial I’ve seen in a while spray (In fact, I laughed so loud at one scene, the people walking by stopped and looked in the window and backed away slowly*), a number of cringe worthy stabbing scenes (Boys take note – look away after La Femme stabs the guy in the knee – trust me its for your own good.), a cesarean section and tracheotomy that I’m sure the AMA would frown upon, and the clever application of what I can only imagine is oven cleaner. Not to mention the creepiest final frame I’ve witnessed in ages.

À l'intérieur runs about 83 minutes (9 of which are the credits, and speaking of credits, the opening ones are worth watching just to figure out what it’s supposed to be, and the music, which reminded me A LOT of Irreversible.), uses at least 780 gallons of fake blood, kills all but three of the cast members, and features about 15 different kinds of stabbing with various implements. Actually, everybody sort of gets into a stabby frame of mind, if they’re not being stabbed, they are stabbing something.

Beatrice Dalle gives new meaning to the term “scissor sister.” In fact, I wonder if the band didn’t come up with the name after watching this movie. She’ll use a gun, but watch out, if she has her scissors, you best be runnin’.

So, would the “Dudes” like it, well it’s hard to say, no one gets their kit off, as mentioned above there’s an ouchie scene for the boys, however, it’s everything Haute Tension and Hostel could have been but wasn’t. 4 George’s just for the copious amounts of gore.

Sorry kids, I’m out of practice, I’m sure the posts will get better...

*Why yes, I do use humor as a defense mechanism, why do you ask?

A Big Fucking Rat!

2008-05-07T00:37:00.002-06:00

I have a sinking feeling that this post's title might aptly describe the 2007 After Dark Selections quite well. With good ol' Karl at my side, I took in three of the selections now that they have been released on DVD.

They largely sucked.

Why does the local bar stock a frying pan on Mulberry Street? If the answer is "to be prepared in the event that rat people unexpectedly attack our patrons" then how about stocking some cheese-scented guillotines or even a handy shotgun?

Why was the sound editor allowed to make the decision that rock songs and ominous you're-about-to-be-scared score selections should eclipse the impact of the actual scares being attempted? Why do I even care when this movie is nothing more than a failed attempt to ride the coat tails of 2004's Dawn of the Dead remake?

And we all know that if you want to improve an already great movie, you simply replace the key antagonists with crazed rat people. Casablanca didn't need Nazis... it needed more rats, damn it.

I like that the writer tried to get us involved with the individual characters before they all met and interacted to fend of the rat people... but it sure would have been nice if those characters did or said anything that I could- pardon the expression- give a rat's ass about.

5 Georges go to Karl for providing the actual entertainment during this viewing. When a character explained "They're Rat People! Fucking Rat People!" Karl replied "We need some Fucking Cat People! Fucking Cat People to chase out these Fucking Rat People!"

The Ghost of George was scurrying around nearby when this was said. George overheard Karl's comment, laughed his ghostly ass off, and left it for Mulberry St. to have as its rating.

3 Films to Get Slightly Bruised For

2008-05-05T14:47:00.003-06:00

At chez Karl, Jeff and I plopped down and watched 3 of the 8 Films to Die For 2007.
Here is my brief take on them.

Mulberry St. (2007)

a.k.a., 28 Rats Later, or Dawn of the Rats. No, not really. But it sure seems like the writer/director was a big fan of both of those movies.. Take the remake of Dawn of the Dead, change zombie to rat-person, center the story around one crappy apartment building in New York (on Mulberry St), and do it on 1/4000th the budget and VOILA!
It has all been done before and done better. It really didn’t bring anything new to the horror table, and it committed (in my distorted opinion) one of the most egregious errors that a movie of this low caliber can commit. If you are going to be unoriginal, crappily acted, and unscary, then at least do the viewer the service of granting a gander at some bewbs or at the very least, a messy/creative death.
1 George, only because it made me feel unclean due to the general gunginess of the apartment building/environs.

The Deaths of Ian Stone (2007)

Great concept, decently executed on a decent budget. Oh, and a Stan Winston production. So already, we are way ahead of Mulberry St.
The main character, a poor man’s Johnny Lee Miller, gets killed every day. And each day he comes back as a different person. Groundhog Day for the horror crowd.
There is a deeper story behind that idea and I won’t spoil it, but it eventually all makes sense.
Some decent visual effects as well as blood and gore appropriate to the story keeps the view engaged throughout. I was excited to see the crazy British antagonist from the second season of Dexter (Jaime Murray), but disappointed that she didn’t shed any vestments for the movie, as she did for the series. So my review takes a negative hit for that.
3 Georges (could have been more but Jaime had to go and get shy on us)

Unearthed (2007)

An archaeological dig and small town get terrorized by a creature in the middle of New Mexico. Been done. Not a lot of new ideas here. The creature looks like a rejected design of H.R. Giger and one of the scenes is a DIRECT rip off of the Alien series. Really bad animation on the creature’s movements and attacks, however the film does have a few great stuntman stunts, with people being blown through the air from explosions and such. When the creature starts attacking, it isn’t totally clear as to why it is doing what it is doing or if and why it has changed its intentions, even though there are several scenes which are very heavy handed plot explanation sequences. I did enjoy the ‘loogie shrimp’ though. Occasionally the creature would attack by spitting these little guys a victim and these little shrimp-like projectiles would stick in their skin and burrow inside.
Bonus point for having Charlie Murphy as one of the stranded motorists in the town, to grace the film with his Charlie Murphy-ness. He also had a pretty sweet death.

2 Georges (this movie could have been so much more)

Blood Sucking Freaks (1976)

2008-04-14T13:57:00.004-06:00

Originally Released As: The Incredible Torture Show

In a nutshell: A slave ring run by a guy that looks like Gene Wilder’s creepy uncle and his midget assistant uses some of its “recruits” as part of a twisted stage show that involves presenting torture and death as “art”. Typical chick flick.

This movie is the grandpappy of torture porn (Hostel, Saw, etc.), but with a super low budget and all the visual sensibilities that the late 70’s brought us. Looooooooow budget. So low that all the torture and murders scenes come off as unintentional camp. Quite a few actually occur off camera, keeping the budget to the low 100$.

Dialogue/Acting: mostly awful, and not a good awful like a Troma production, where the script is self-aware and luxuriates in its awfulness. There were a few Troma-worthy groaner puns sprinkled sparingly throughout, though. One came at the end of a scene where Sardu (Gene Wilder’s uncle) played Ralphus (midget assistant) in a game of backgammon and they used the freshly chopped-off fingers of a couple of nekkid slave girls as wagering chips. I can’t even remember what the bad pun was, I just remember groaning.

Ralphus is a super excitable little guy in this pic. Most of his emoting involves a big shit eating grin (that did not happen in this movie, this isn’t Salo) and him bouncing around like a hyper 8 year old on Christmas morning. He was happy feeding the almost-feral and cannibalistic guard slaves in their cage, happy head-bonking the slaves trying to get out of their cardboard (?) shipping containers, happy just to bounce around sporting his bushy little van dyke beard and white guy afro.

Why is this movie called “Blood Sucking Freaks,” you ask? Well there is a scene that involves a demented doctor that Sardu uses to tend to his “product”, where the doctor does some unnecessary surgery and sucks some blood and viscera out of someone’s head with a straw. So there you go.

I think this movie has the highest disparity ratio of nekkid bodies to total lack of erotic content that I have ever seen. Really. Maybe I am jaded, but with all women in the movie who weren’t audience members at Sardu’s show getting naked, one would think at least a respectable portion would be respectable. A series of disappointing presents.

There were a few fun spots in this picture, but there was too much unrewarding crap in between. A budget would have helped: sets, effects, script, acting talent, skin talent. This movie might improve with a lot of booze and a large group of people.
2 Georges.

Alucarda (1978)

2008-01-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

If you like or have a high tolerance for screaming, then you should acquire and feature this Mexican horror movie prominently in your collection. If you can get past the nigh ubiquitous screaming, then you are still in for a treat.

Justine, an easy on the eyes orphan, arrives at a convent and makes friends with Alucarda, a lusty little spitfire who eventually introduces her to a group of gypsies that broaden the girls’ horizons and introduce them to Satan.

The leader (?) of the gypsies is a creepy hippie homunculus who eventually gives the girls a dagger blessed with gypsy tears or somesuch, which he uses to perform some kind of nekkid blood sharing ceremony betwixt the two lasses. (Yes, fellas, it is a good scene).
Oh, and the gypsy camp has a big ole’ nekkid conga line/ritual. See kids? There are viable alternatives to Christianity!

The girls begin acting out and screaming a lot and screaming during religious instruction and spinning around and getting up to all kinds of hi-jinks (both clothed and unclothed).

The convent is run by a bunch of nuns whose habits make them look like bleeding mummies. We find out that the primary reason for this is because of their flagellation sessions, to whip the sin and temptation out of their minds (and skin). The convent itself has many rooms that look very organic, like they were carved out of stone or used a system of caves, very non-standard convent housing.

The nuns decide to exorcise the two girls. This involves chaining them to large Xs of wood and stripping them down so one of the nuns can cleanse(?) Justine by sticking her repeatedly with a convent shiv. Well, needless to say, she doesn’t pull out of her possession, so she gets laid to rest in a crypt that serves for a great scene when she pops out of a coffin (nekkid) that is literally filled with blood (so she is all bloody and nekkid) and fully throws down on a nun and then chomps her neck.

The movie ends with a nice big scene with Alucarda using her satanic screaming and yelling abilities to cause the mummy nuns to spontaneously menstruate and/or burst into flames. I know, pretty sweet.

I give this movie 4 Georges.

Christmas movies for the family...

2007-12-18T14:58:00.001-07:00

If your family is the Manson family that is.... For all to enjoy - a list of 10 random Xmas themed horror flicks!

Thank you Fark.com...

I found a movie worse than Malevolence

2007-12-06T16:41:00.000-07:00

and it’s called Zombie Honeymoon. Words cannot describe how bad this movie is – and if you’re very lucky you to can catch it on Showtime.

Denise & Danny are honeymooning on the Jersey Shore when Danny gets accosted by someone resembling the Swamp Thing coming out of the ocean and bleeding all in his mouf, which as you know turns you into zombie. At least it normally does. This clearly was a slow moving zombie-virus – flesh-wise anyway, his blood lust kicks in pretty quickly. After coming back from the dead (the brain trust at the hospital tried to shock him back to life), they decide they want to have a romantical dinner with the main course being cream of mushroom soup (WTF). But before she can make said soup, she comes back from the store and finds Danny munching on the fat guy next door. Love knowing no bounds, Denise decides she’s going to stand by her man no matter what.

Correct me if I’m wrong, in zombie cannon, the zombie a) turns pretty swiftly, b) wants brains (I’m a purist, what can I say) and c) usually isn’t sentient. Not only is Danny walking around making pleasant conversation (when he’s not attacking and eating people), he’s in the loo talking to the porcelain gods after each tasty treat.

Danny, who is slowly falling apart and getting hungrier by the moment, which makes Denise decide she’s going to put on her red wedding dress (symbolism much) and make her man some soup. Before that happens, their best friend shows up with the cops, WHO SHOOT DANNY IN THE HEAD, perturbed by that he attacks & eats everyone around. Hours after his feast he’s getting already to bring his bride over to the zombie-side when he makes the realization he’s hurt her too much, apologizes and pukes blood all over the wall instead of in her mouf.

Couple all of this with some awful acting, a lead actress who has an unidentifiable accent, the set which was clearly the director’s house, and you my friends have yourself my very first 1 George review.

So tell us Jesus, what the hell happened…

2007-12-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

Huh, so that live-blogging thing didn’t work out so well now did it. I have no real excuse other than that due to a case sleep deprivation, I came down with a case of Jeff-like being practically dead [but I’m not dead yet, you’ll hear her cry].

So yeah [she does that crazy little Eddie Izzard dance] that worked, and now I’m wasting valuable work time to bring you the story of Billy and his hatred (and/or hard-on) for sorority chicks.

Black Christmas (1974)

Having never seen A Christmas Story, it is my understanding that Bob Clark directed both movies, and Porky’s of all things, which seems a bit counterintuitive to me, regardless, I tarry on. One final note on Bob Clark -I was supremely disappointed that no one was dispatched with the trademark Leg Lamp, because that would have been genius.

The scene opens with a rockin’ holiday party at the sorority house and some guy climbing into the attic – how he got up there is anyone’s guess, I suppose Santa might have dropped him off – some of the girls who live at the house were presumably on the naughty list (what with one being a drunk and the other knocked up) and should have had their bags packed and expected a kickin’ (see: Sinterklaas – thank you David Sedaris, thank you). Regardless one comely-lass doing some last minute checking on her dry-cleaning becomes our first unwitting victim. Now why Billy drags her, dry-cleaning sack & all to the attic to rock-away her afterlife is a puzzler, but never mind that, Billy’s got a phone call to make.

Cut to a “telephone conversation” with who the girls refer to as the “Moaner.” Here’s the thing – I would have imagined that sorority chicks get a number of obscene phone calls and having listened to all of Billy’s calls that night – none of them sounded anything like I would call an obscene phone call.

We got to see a number of increasingly inventive killings –Margot Kidder impaled with a glass unicorn, and Mrs. MacHenry, our booze-hiding-in-every-possible-place-imagined gets a hook in the face whilst looking for her kitty being two of my favorites.

Their paranoia gets the better of them and the girls go to the cops (your typical dolt-like backwoods morons who much like Kellie Picker don’t know the definition of the word “fellatio”) and report the calls. Goober & Barney think it’s the boyfriend and have the phone tapped, meanwhile Billy kills again, the cops trace the call, and then dear readers, we get the money shot:

“The calls are coming from inside the house! Get out!”

A chase scene ensues, the boyfriend is killed, Barney & Goober confident the case is closed, leave the pregnant chick, upstairs sleeping off her bad day and fade to a ringing phone…

Did Billy strike again, you decide…

Black Christmas: Squared!!! (1974, 2006)

2007-12-06T12:17:00.000-07:00

Black Christmas (1974)
From the man who brought you A Christmas Story, comes its disfigured, misanthropic, taking –a-dump-in-the-neck-stump-of-a-rectally-desecrated-St. Nick counterpart: Black Christmas. OK, maybe that is too much of a buildup. But it is a horror movie that takes place on/around Christmas, and there is no Red Ryder bb gun to save the day here.

BC is the story of a sorority house that gets terrorized and slaughterized during Christmas break. That is the movie in one sentence. The terror comes in the form of phone calls to the house after each killing and the slaughter coming in sporadic bursts in various parts of the house (preceding each phone call) throughout the film. The creepiest parts of this movie were the phone calls. Each one consisted of multiple voices, whispering, tittering, atonal shrieks and yelps, and they got progressively weirder and more disturbing. The killings were fairly swift and virtually goreless, so a bit of a disappointment there. But it was a nice touch to keep the first victim sequestered and undiscovered in an attic chair with her head wrapped in a plastic back for the entirety of the movie.

Anywho, we never get to see the killer, the killer is never caught, and the movie ends sort of open endedly. I kind of like the ending, but I wish we had gotten a little bit on the killer ID/motivation. This was one of the earlier films to use killer POV camera shots and it worked well in adding to the atmosphere of creepiness. This film also made use of the “The call is coming from inside the house!!!!” meme. Tracing a call back in the 70s was no small thing either. In this case, some poor schmuck had to run around a room the size of a city block filled with cacophonous clacking towers.

Actors of note in the movie include Margot Kidder, Olivia Hussey, and an atypically mousy Andrea Martin (of SCTV fame). Something to note, this is a horror movie set in a Sorority House, and there was NO nudity. For Shame, Bob Clark, for shame! Let me remind you that Bob Clark also directed Porky’s and Porky’s II: The Next Day, so he is capable.

Black Christmas (2006)
Same setup as the original, but a lot more story. The 2006 version gives us an identity of the killer (killers, actually), motivation(s), backstory/origin, and a much more fleshed out and elaborate ending. This version also gives us a lot more gore, with one of the killers having an eyeball fetish (gotta collect ‘em all!!). This was also a more modern telling of the tale, with the phone calls coming from each victim’s cell phone.

Actors of note include Lacey Chabert, Michelle Trachtenberg, and Andrea Martin again. This time she plays the house mother, rather than a sorority sister.

I’d give each of the movies 3 Georges but for different reasons. The original had a good creepy atmosphere and POV work, with disturbing phonecalls, but no gore or nudity. Plus the fact that it was directed by the guy who gave us A Christmas Story, great duality.
The remake had a great story, plenty of gore, and did its predecessor justice, as so few remakes do.

Fun Times With Skull Butter

2007-12-05T20:01:00.001-07:00

Dear Readers,

I know there are already two reviews of Carlos Puerto's 1977 film "Escalofrío" (aka "Satan's Blood") on this site... but mine has lots of pretty pictures! Allow me to depart from my usual verbose method of film critique and give you the Jeff's Notes version:

How To Live Like A Satanist

First, grow a beard and decorate in Tarot Cards:

Next, do what Satanists (apparently) do best: undress women!

Now cut the cheese!

"Why don't you cut the cheese, huh?"

Contact kosher spirits with the Jewija Board!

Finally, make sure you provide a decent home to Chucky's Grandma...

...because she makes the best homemade Skull Butter in Spain!
Skull Butter!!!

Two Georges for plenty of full-frontal nudity and one because I laughed a lot at the unintentional humor. That means at Dudes of Horror, this movie has thrice received a George Rating of three! Three threes? 333! That's half of 666! And look! I unconsciously posted six photos from the film! Help! I'm becoming a Satanist! Where's my skull butter!?!?!?

8 Films To Die For 2007 (What Happened, Jeff?)

2007-12-04T00:58:00.000-07:00

WTF? The Dudes of Horror came into existence as a result of the original "8 Films To Die For" horror film festival in 2006- so how in the hell could this site allow the 2007 event to go by without so much as a single post?

Well first off allow me to apologize to you, dear reader, for dying. Your humble defacto site administrator was buried six feet under for several months and by the time he was reanimated and subsequently rejoined the ranks of the living there simply was no time to plan and organize an excursion to allow the Dudes of Horror to see and review the 2007 festival as it happened.

So what are you going to do about this? Huh?

Well if Cher ever returns any of my calls, I'll travel back to November 9th, 2007 and post reviews straight from the theater. I'll even buy seats for all of our site's regular readers. (ha!)

Failing that, the Dudes will resort to our Triple-A Backup Plan!

The Triple-A Backup Plan

Acquire all eight of the 2007 films when they become available on DVD

Assemble as many of the Dudes together in one spot with the 8 DVDs

Assess the films and post our reviews

When will this happen? We have no idea. The 2006 films didn't hit DVD shelves until the following March. The "fan favorite" film (The Abandoned) was re-released in theaters and show up on DVD until June. So it could be a while if the 2007 films follow the same DVD release schedule as 2006.

One thing we could do in the meantime is dig up the two "bonus films" from 2006: Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror and The Tripper. I, for one, would love to see a film written by, produced by, directed by, and starring David Arquette which features both Paul Reubens and Jason Mewes as actors. Sign me UP!

Another thing we can do is look out for the film Frontières which was originally supposed to be part of the 2007 line-up but received an NC-17 rating and is now being released separately.

For right now, there is a list below of the 8 Films from 2007 and links to their entries on IMDB so you can go read inferior reviews until ours come out! You can also read back over some of the great reviews that were made while I was rotting in the grave. I have spruced these up with poster images and George Rating icons- so if you didn't read them before, then now is the time to catch up!

Opera (reviewed by Karl)
Satan's Blood (reviewed by Karl)
The Abandoned (reviewed by Karl)
Satan's Blood (reviewed by The Jesus)
Angst (reviewed by Karl)
Hard Rock Zombies (reviewed by Karl)
Unrest and The Hamiltons (mused over by The Jesus)
30 Days of Night (reviewed by The Jesus)

Super-thanks to both Karl and The Jesus for keeping the content coming in while I crawled my way back to the earth's surface!

8 Films To Die For 2007

The Deaths of Ian Stone (Dario Piana)

Nightmare Man (Rolfe Kanefsky)

Crazy Eights (James Koya Jones)

Unearthed (Matthew Leutwyler)

Borderland (Zev Berman)

Mulberry Street (Jim Mickle)

Tooth and Nail (Mark Young)

Lake Dead (George Bessudo)

Once again- my apologies for dying on you, dear reader.

Hopoto 2007 Afterpost

2007-12-03T17:20:00.000-07:00

The Horrorpornothon was largely a success! For the sake of posterity I have culled together a list of all things consumed during the event: food, drinks, and films.

The most germane aspect of this event to Dudes of Horror readers is probably Saturday's viewing of both versions of the film "Black Christmas". Karl and I were able to put both versions together in the same room and we made a little holiday marathon out of it. What we found (having never seen either film) was that the 2006 remake was effectively a sequel. I'm sure that between myself, Karl, and The Jesus there will emerge at least one full-on review.

So here is the itinerary, complete with IMDB links to every movie we watched (or sampled) as well as some links to pretty much all of the alcohol products we drank:

Friday
Food:

Papa John's Pizza (courtesy of Jeff)

Homemade cookie bars (courtesy of Maude)

Big bag of cookies (courtesy of One-Eye)

Stolen Snacks (courtesy of Karl)

Triscuits (courtesy of The Jesus)

Drinks:

Dutch Henry "Argos" Wine (courtesy of The Jesus)

McManis Cabernet Sauvignon (courtesy of The Jesus)

Nøgne Ø "Dark Horizon" Beer (courtesy of Karl)

Zaya Rum (courtesy of Karl)

J.W. Lees Harvest Ale (courtesy of Karl)

Espresso Martinis (courtesy of Jeff)

Films:

Frankenhooker

Exponerad

Schulmädchen-Report: Was Eltern nicht für möglich halten (skipped around)

Trasgredire (Special Feature Documentary only)

Così fan tutte

Star Wars Holiday Special (much skipping)

Valerie a týden divu

Saturday:
Food:

Belgian Waffles (courtesy of Jeff)

Homemade Lasagna (courtesy of One-Eye)

Affogato (courtesy of Jeff)

Drinks:

"Canaan's Delight" (courtesy of Jeff)

Dogfish Head Punkin Ale (courtesy of One-Eye)

Films:

Black Christmas (1974)

Black Christmas (2006)

An Evening with P. Oswalt (some comedy to cleanse the palate)

Other Activities:

Momentous occasion whereas Jeff arose prior to 9:00 AM

Approximately 3 hours of Wii gaming

Sunday:
Food:

Brunch at the Diner (courtesy of One-Eye)

Drinks:

Turkish Coffee (courtesy of Jeff)

Films:

Breaking Point (Classic!)

La Chiesa (a viewing total of 10 minutes)

Trauma (we watched one scene. Guess which one?

Conan O'Doyle

2007-12-01T01:14:00.001-07:00

When all is said & done, I honestly believe I would have rather watched Salo. Although, the Wookie bukkake scene was kinda worth it...

It's 2:47

2007-12-01T00:47:00.000-07:00

and, I'm sad to say I miss the porn. Currently playing is the 1978 classic Star Wars Holiday Special - help me jebus, you're my only hope.

Hour 6.5

2007-11-30T22:29:00.000-07:00

Well, not technically 6.5 hours of full on HoPoTo action, but 6.5 hours since we arrived at the secret lair of Horror Dude Jeff - our fearless and often pantless leader. Dear readers, please be sure to check out the comments, where the other "dudes" (i.e., Jeff & Karl) shall be posting from there (unless, of course, they figure out that they can sign in on their own.

Thus far, it's been more "Po" than "Ho," and most of the Po hasn't had any subtitles. You decided dear readers, is porn better when you can make your own dialogue or with the cheesy dialogue written for them. [Side note - dear god, are porn writers part of the WGA, if so, sweet christ, we can't let the strike go on forever.]

So, anyway there we were watching some sort of German schoolgirl flick - schulmadchaen report 1 (or so Jeff tells me) lots of quick cuts to the ladies, but only quick cuts to the, uh, action.

Up now - "Cheeky," by Tinto Brass - I'll let you know how it goes. BTW - Cheeky was supplanted by some other Brass masterpiece

Live Blogging HoPoTo 2007

2007-11-30T20:01:00.000-07:00

For those not in the know (like we have any readers who aren't affiliated...) "HoPoTo" is an encore to Sarlaac minus the video & arcade games. The basic premise is to find the worst horror movies you can find, preferably ones with the most nudity. Quality doesn't matter, it's all about content baby.

The first rule of HoPoTo is you must drink during HoPoTo
The second rule of HoPoTo is that you must drink during HoPoTo
The third rule of HoPoTo is that it is a minimum of two days - weekends are best - school day HoPoto's can cause severe rectal bleeding

So, on to the fun. Here's hoping motor functions will hold out for the duration of the weekend.

10:02 PM

Movie watched thus far - Frankenhooker

Currently watching - some Swedish thing where this chick took off her gear in the first scene

Best Karl phrase so far: It smells like a bunch of shrimps had a fart fight

Don’t make me get the bear repellant.

2007-11-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

How craptastic was 30 Days of Night, see title. I very much enjoyed it for the inherent cheese that it possessed. Clearly no one in Barrow, Alaska has ever seen a horror movie or watched Buffy. Granted, these vamps weren’t your run-of-the-mill vamps, these guys were in need of a manicure and had a penchant for kool-aid mouth. However, I refuse to suspend my belief that they didn’t know the bad-guys were vampires.

As the lead vamp said they should have come here years ago, the town doesn’t see sun for 30 days and if vampires had Realtors, I’d bet they would all move to that section of Alaska. Their assault was aided by a “guy” who I guess wanted to be made into a vampire he failed them, I suppose because some of the town resisted? Who knows, they killed him and that was that. Also, I will say that their occupation of Barrow, was a bit shall we say, lacking in finesse. If it were me, I’d round up the townspeople and hold them for later meals. What’s the sense of eating everyone the first day; you’ve got 29 more days to go.

Some ingenious ways to kill the bad guys were deployed. How many whacks does it take to decapitate a vampire – between 2 & 4. Bear traps and bear repellent and a tractor implement.
All in all I’d give it 3 George’s, although no nudity for the boys, and a really sad beard on Josh Hartnett. Hmm, perhaps I should rethink the rating.

I'S WANTIN UR FEEDZ LOL

2007-09-21T12:16:00.000-06:00

Hey! Can we set up an RSS feed for this thang?

Musings - The Hamiltons & Unrest

2007-09-14T16:19:00.000-06:00

Since they’ve both already been reviewed at least twice (permaybehaps more), I’m just going to offer some thoughts on the flicks.

The Hamiltons – I was surprised at how much I liked it. You weren’t really sure if they were vampires or cannibals till almost the end. I agree with Maude that Francis really needed a good smack upside the head, but then I suppose I felt sorry for the kid – his big brother is closeted and his twin brother & sister are sleeping together, I’d want to get the hell out too!

The Jesus watched this with her mother who had this gem to offer: “huh, you know, I’m disappointed in Lenny. All that build up and he’s just a kid. I was hoping for something else entirely.”

I’d watch it again – 3 Georges

Unrest – Again, I have to agree with Maude. I really didn’t like this flick. Thank Christ it was free, or else I’d have been pissed off. Here’s the thing about the movie – we’ve seen it before. It was a terrible rip-off of about ¾ of the Japanese horror flicks that are out there. Yeah, it was an [Spoiler] Aztec ghost, as opposed to a Japanese ghost, but it’s been done to death, enough already. To make matters even worse – commercials in the middle of it featuring Miss HorrorFest – blech. The only reason I’d watch it again is to give it the MST3K treatment.

Sorry Jeff.

Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

2007-09-05T08:09:00.000-06:00

This movie is so bad that it is awful. Looooow budget, bad acting, mind numbingly bad dialogue, lighting so bad that you can’t tell who is saying what or what the hell they are doing in some scenes, and a cheesy early 80’s video aesthetic sprinkled throughout the film all congeal to form the perfect storm of atrociousness. It is a hard movie to sit through, but it may be worth your time if these three words appeal to you: Midget Nazi Zombies.

The story centers around a traveling band that seems to be the American retard hydrocephalic cousin of the band Europe. Whoo! they stink on ice. They are traveling to a gig in some hick podunk town called Grand Guignol (ha, ha). (That name is a reference to a style in which many of the early 70s Italian horror/slasher films were done.) There are a few musical numbers in this movie, and I use the term ‘musical’ very loosely. During one of these numbers, the townsfolk of Grand Guignol decide they have had it with rock and roll (and if what they are playing is rock and roll, then I’ve had it, too!), so they ban all r’n’r music in all forms, which ends in cancelling the concert and smashing all rock and roll records they can get their intolerant hands on.

Meanwhile, a skeevy troupe of weirdos is busy roaming around killing people for no discernible reason. In this group is a man and woman in their 20s or 30s. The guy never really does too much, but the woman enjoys leading men to their doom by acting as a seductress and then stabbing them quite a lot, often removing a hand in the process. She also likes dancing in the middle of the road, which this movie highlights by cutting to this randomly. Also in this group is a pair of midgets. One human midget and one ghoul(?) midget. There is also a sometimes wheelchair-bound lady who turns into a werewolf and back quite a lot and also in random fashion. As a werewolf, she seems to rely on a pair of switchblades to get things done. I guess that is why she is in the wheelchair. The leader of this merry stabbing passel of reprobates? Why, Hitler, of course.

Now back to the good guys. The leader of the band comes up with some bass riff that brings back the dead and makes a demo tape of it. He falls in love with the town virgin and gives her the tape with the instructions to play the tape if anything ever happens to him. Lo and behold, Hitler and his pals kill the whole band. She plays the tape and they come back from the grave, with their awesomely feathered hairdon’ts intact. I think the tape causes others to come back as zombies who start attacking everyone, thus creating more zombies. The zombified band make several trips to and from the grave and on one of the trips they play a rehearsal gig or maybe it was a real gig where only one person showed up, a talent agent. The agent loves the zombie band’s performance, then he is promptly turned into a zombie by a roving ghoul. That’s showbiz!

I don’t remember (or care) how it ends, its fairly confusing throughout the film but particularly so at the end. There are some unintentionally funny lines in the movie but they are hidden amongst the reams of unintentionally horrible dialogue. This might be a good movie to watch with a group of people whilst drinking, a lot. It would greatly benefit from some MST3K action.
Anyhoo, low marks for just about everything, even skin. 1 and a half scenes (ass from a distance) is just not enough to make this movie bearable (bareable?). I will give this movie one George, for the one thing I haven’t seen before in cinema: Midget Nazi Zombies!

Me: Slacker

2007-08-15T09:52:00.000-06:00

I've basically felt like a total horror slacker (heck, I even missed horrorfind weekend - I thought it was this weekend coming up). I thought I would post a recent Entertainment Weekly column about Karl's seemingly favorite movie type - the giallo - enjoy.

Permaybehaps I'll watch a movie or two worth writing about while I'm in the desert.

Angst (2003)

2007-07-24T08:33:00.000-06:00

This Teutonic tawdry tale tells of a timid temptress whose trysts terminate on thanatological and tragic terms thanks to her talking twat.

Ok, ok, in non-alliterative English. A woman haunted by a childhood trauma discovers that her ladyparts will eat anyone that “visits.” At first it starts with would be rapists, then with Johns when she starts turning tricks to support her nether region habits. Sucks ‘em right of their clothes. And when it gets hungry for more “food”, it starts talking like the plant in Little Shop of Horrors. Too bad they didn’t have a bigger budget, they could had used a puppet or some funky CGI.

The parallel story to this is of a milquetoast who is pining over this woman for the duration of her vaginal trials and tribulations. When she spurns him for fear of consuming this ‘nice guy’, he looks for love elsewhere, temporarily finding it in one half of some conjoined twins. He eventually gets fed up with the other half and tries to sever ties using an electric carving knife. How does the surviving twin thank him? Dumps him and rats him out to the po-po. Women. He then takes up with a stripper who cozens him into robbing a bank or something and they head for the hills, seeing how he is already a wanted man for killing a twin. They eventually cross paths with his original obsession who has reluctantly just gotten married but hasn’t consummated it with her new husband for fear of consuming him. The police and the living twin catch up with the lot and chaos ensues. It violently sorts itself out and the lead woman with the penetration angst finally remembers the entirety of the childhood trauma that seems to have caused her voracious vagina and realized that it wasn’t traumatic after all and her condition is cured, so she walks off into the sunset with Mr. Milquetoast.

This is a German directed/produced movie, shot on digital video by necessity rather than by choice, and the few special effects they had were decent given the obviously very low budget. The acting is not stellar, but the storyline is definitely something original. I am fairly certain that all main female cast members get naked at some point in the movie, so it also earns a Golden Treehorn. I can’t tell if this movie is intentionally hilarious or not, either way:3 Georges.

Satan Digs Nekid Chicks – Satan’s Blood (1978) or if you want to be all proper Escalofrío

2007-07-23T14:16:00.001-06:00

Jeff – as requested. Karl already posted his review, here’s mine. Where’s yours?

Caveat: Jeff & Karl gave me the Cliff’s Notes version of the film as I came in 47 minutes late. They kindly provided their thoughts on the well thought out and superbly written plot, Machiavellian twists, the rules of Jewish Ouija and pointed out that skull butter is probably a better lube than Crisco.

So now I know that Bob & Carol along with their dog Blackie setting out for a mini-break when Ted & Alice came along and invited them along to Satan’s Cabin. Side note: if I took one step in the house and saw Evilyn the doll displayed on the table, I would have turned around walked right out of the Manor and headed home – dolls like that are always up to no good.

Carol gets attacked by the guy who is wearing the same outfit as the fisherman who gets hit in I Know What You Did Last Summer, minus the hook of course, freaks out completely and persuades Bob to get dressed and leave. They come upon Ted & Alice all nekid in the living room and before they can say “Jesus save me” Alice channels Kathleen Turner or I suppose, it could have been Satan, and Bob & Carol are nekid too and then the fun begins.

From here on, as Karl mentions in his review is where it all gets a little confusing – Ted somehow gets shot in the temple; whether Alice killed him or he shot himself, this time getting it right, is the question. Immediately after it happens as she does her best Eddie Izzard impression and takes off on her scooter to parts unknown. Carol, apparently a nurse, sets about trying to keep him alive by applying pressure to the wound. When Alice and Doctor come back some time later, the Doc takes one look at Ted and declares that Bob killed him.

Apparently there’s some more naked stuff and something about Alice killing herself – I don’t know if Satan commanded it or not, as I was doing important stuff like hulling strawberries. I do know that Carol is an excellent shot and blows little Evilyn’s head off resulting in a geyser of blood the likes of which hasn’t been seen in sometime. For some reason the house decides that this is a bad thing, I don’t know if it was the zombies or the doll, yet our heroes escape and manage to get home only to find that the Salvation Army has all their crap and the neighbors are shooting the video for Dead Man’s Party.

I would say it’s worthy of 3, maybe 4 George’s based on the amount of nekidness and for the awesome soundtrack alone.

The Abandoned (2006)

2007-07-23T13:19:00.000-06:00

“Russia sure is a confusing country.”
I said this very phrase to Jeff as we recently watched this movie on DVD about ¾ of the way through it. It confused the hell out of me. At the end of the movie I had to think back through it to try to connect the dots to figure out the course of events and why what happened happened.

From what I have gathered from piecing together my understanding of the movie, the plot is this: An orphan woman returns to the abandoned farm in Russia where she was born. The farm is on an island in a river. Whilst traipsing around the very dilapidated homestead, she bumps into a guy who says he is her fraternal twin and their birthday is less than two days away. They keep bumping into doppelgangers that appear to be dead versions of themselves that sort of chase them around. Through ghost-flashback vision she learns that her father fatally stabbed her mother because she threatened to leave with the babies, then the mother shot the father. Through another location/time slip, the woman appears in the office where she originally started her trek from and learned that the ghost of her father was the one who sent her to the family farm. On the way out of the office she bumps into herself from the beginning of the movie. Then she time/location slips back to the family farm where she and her brother meet their fates and die in the manner that their doppelgangers’ appearances suggested, shortly after their dual birthday which the movie made to seem important but I could not figure out why. What a country! (Whatever happened to Yakov Smirnoff?)

What this movie did have in bucket loads was atmosfear. Unrelenting creepy spooky unnerving locations that the characters stumbled around in were present throughout the movie. There were also some great visual effects that I thought were pretty inventive. At one point the heroine is panning across a darkened room with a flashlight. The room is in complete disarray, mildewy bed, paint chips spread like confetti, wallpaper coming off in ragged sheets, splintered and rotting furniture, etc. As the beam of the flashlight plays across this miasma of decay, the beam reveals what the room looked like when her parents were alive.

Another element in the plus column for this movie was the use of sound. The creaks and groans of this unsettled house were omnipresent as well as all the disturbing noises from the ethereal flashbacks the heroine had.

3 Georges

Satan's Blood (1977)

2007-07-23T08:30:00.001-06:00

This is what happens when swinging goes bad.
This ribald little Spanish ditty opens with a bang, in the midst of some sort of satanic ritual where a creepy priest? strips a nubile lass and has his way with her in front of the black mass and then sacrifices her. End scene and cut to something completely unrelated.

A young well-to-do set of DINKs (double income no kids) and their dog leaves their apartment and drives through town. During their drive, they are recognized by an old college friend of the male half of the couple while stopped at a traffic light. This new couple invite the DINKs to their place outside of town so they can catch up on old times.

After a verrrrrry long drive they finally arrive and they settle in for some good times. Well, they have a bite, have a chat, then they start to have a bit of fun with a Ouija table which gets a little weird. Later in the evening, the DINKs walk into the den to find the other couple nude and kneeling around a freshly made pentagram. The DINKs get mesmerized or hip-mow-tized or something –ized and get nekkid too. This is when the evening hits its high point and everyone gets it ON. There is a lot of writhing and canoodling going on and at one point some sort of body lube gets applied to everyone. The best part of the lube is the container, a skull. Yeah, baby. “Whenever I have ritualistic sex in the name of my Dark Lord, I always use Old Scratch Skull Butter.”

Anyhoo, after that it gets confusing. At one point the host male is shot in the head and no one can seem to determine if it was suicide or homicide and then his body goes missing, so even death is difficult to label here. A doctor is brought to the house but can’t help if there is no patient to treat. Then the host female tries to off herself. Again, difficult to tell whether she succeeds or not. Then the host male pops up again lumbering toward the male DINK who gives him a little more lead poisoning. The DINK couple tries several times to leave while all the post-sex confusion is going on. Finally they succeed in getting the hell out of Dodge.

In addition to the dead/not dead wackiness, there are several elements that add to the Hunh? Factor. Their dog is killed for some reason that is never explained. There is a creepy doll that becomes ambulatory at one point and cries blood. It gets dispatched with a gun and then the house battens all its hatches in response to the doll’s death. I guess Satan was really attached to his dolly and threw a hissy. There is also a lurking guy outside this villa that we see in cutaways throughout the film. At one point we see another lurker who gets killed by the first lurker. No one in the house ever becomes aware of this lurker Darwinism action.

The movie ends with the DINK couple arriving back at their apartment, only to find that all their belongings are gone. Confused, the couple goes back into the hallway where they are comforted by their neighbors across the hall, who take them into their apartment to console them. Inside their neighbors’ place is a the familiar pentagram on the floor, lots o black candles and everyone from the swingers villa looking like ghouls, even the lurkers!

The final scene focuses on a young couple driving through town and when they stop at a traffic light, they get “recognized’ by a “college buddy” and invited to a villa outside of town. Who is the buddy? Why, it’s the male DINK! Ahhh, the circle of life.

Even with the confusion factored in, I still give this 3 Georges for a good solid opening, for canoodling with skull butter, and for the creepy exploding bloody head doll.

Opera (1987)

2007-07-09T08:11:00.000-06:00

This is an Argento piece. Another giallo-style who-done-it that takes place at an opera, hence the oh so clever title. It is fairly predictable in its plot and is faithful to the pattern of most giallos. Many killer-POV shots, the killer is not revealed until the very end, and the killer’s motives are so ‘out there’ you have no chance at guessing the killer’s identity.

Argento uses a lot of great camera angles and clever perspectives to add substance and style to this film. The music/soundtrack is almost all opera with a few metal-ish pieces during some of the more frenetic scenes. In terms of something new, well yes, Argento does do something new, but I yai yai. Lemme ‘splain.

The particular opera in production and being performed during the movie is Macbeth. Aside from it being the ‘unlucky’ play (boooooo, scary!), it also has a lot of ravens in it. So there is a bird handler and several large cages of these birds backstage for use in the opera. At one point in the film the killer kills several of these birds. According to the handler, these birds have long memories and are vengeful. So, near the end of the movie, the director of the opera decides to let loose all the ravens at once into the audience and they will identify the killer. Sounds crazy right? Well guess what, it fucking works!! So I guess something new isn’t always something good.

There is some decent gore sprinkled throughout and just a smidgen of nudity. Only one actor of note in the film, a young William McNamara who you may recognize as the killer from Copycat.

Good but not great, 3 Georges.

P.S.- Something I’ve noticed during the viewing of the past 4 or 5 Italian-made movies, with this film being the exception that helped me determine a timeframe. Italians love J&B. More specifically, they loved J&B in the 70s. Just about anytime someone is relaxing in the living room, or having company over, or trying to make time with a sexay lady, or toasting something, odds are good that they are doing it with some delicious Justerini & Brooks. Just look for the bottle with that big yellow label and red letters. Though I haven’t done any research into this (and won’t), it may be that J&B was a big sponsor or investor in the giallos of the early 70s, but I like to think that Italians just love scotch. Mmm mmm

Twins of Evil

2007-06-26T11:03:00.000-06:00

What timing! Karl has just posted his review of the second Karnstein Trilogy film, Lust for a Vampire, and here's my review of the final installment, Twins of Evil! It's almost like we planned this, man!

Until someone proves me wrong, this movie should be noted for offering the wimpiest portrayal of a vampire ever. Count Karnstein's character starts off on the right foot but just when you think he's about ready to summon up the forces of hell and make blood soup out of the local Quaker Oats Posse, he instead cowers behind a castle door in the best unintentionally comic horror pose I've seen to date.
As a vampire, Karnstein gets an F. Sesame Street's Count von Count is scarier.

Peter Cushing did a great job and stole the show during an unexpected decapitation scene. I didn't really appreciate seeing him cast in the same trilogy as a completely different character, though... and his costume was way too distracting.

Can you believe I haven't mentioned the Collinson Twins yet? You get one scene, containing several clips that will require you to become rather friendly with your DVD's pause button in order to fully appreciate them. It was a far cry from what I expected after the Vampire Lovers and what I have read about Lust for a Vampire. I can only hope that there's a more skintastic unedited version out there somewhere.

And if you think I wouldn't mind only seeing one identical twin get topless (they're both the same, right?) then you don't know me very well. Bad move, Hammer.

This film gets a .5 for all of the five Jeff categories except "Boos", which received a zero. It scored on laughs ("spews") only because of sufficient unintentional comedy (e.g. cushing in bad clothes, a burnt-at-the-stake scene around every corner, a laughable count with a mute bodyguard who plays charades, etc.) I let the decap scene carry the "Ewww" and the one scene of a gorgeous twin's twins carry the "boobs". Borrow or rent, but I wouldn't buy.

Lust for a Vampire (1971)

2007-06-26T09:26:00.000-06:00

Stop! Hammer Time! This is the second movie in the Karnstein Trilogy. This one is the tale of a prophesied return of a creepy vampire family at their castle on the edge of town. The castle just happens to be right next to an all-girl finishing school. Some lauded author visiting the town hears about the prophesy, and more importantly gets an eyeful of the student bodies next to the castle and schmoozes his way into a teaching position at the school. Long prophesy short, the Karnsteins show up again and snack on the local students/teachers/etc. The author/teacher falls in lust with the daughter of the Karnsteins, who is attending the school. Eventually the townsfolk get their dander up and burn the castle.

This movie was full of the Hammer style: extreme close up of peoples eyes, melodramatic overacting, and tomato soup blood effects. There was enough nudity sprinkled throughout to keep me from falling asleep, but it was a little too talky. And the hinted at woman on woman element was in there as well, but limited. I expected a little more from a horror movie with a girls finishing school in it. Count Karnstein, who posed as an Austrian doctor was pretty inadvertently funny giving the answer “Heart Attack” in a low monotone whenever he performed an examination of any of the bite- marked victims to determine cause of death. Given who made this movie and when it was made, I spose this warrants 2 and a half Georges.

Nude for Satan (1974)

2007-06-18T13:07:00.000-06:00

Whisky Tango Foxtrot. That is what you will be saying to yourself, or out loud as I did when I watched this movie. This weird little Italian film is packed to the gills with WTF moments. And during some of the slow dialoggy parts it tries to blow your mind with psychobabble and metaphysical nonsense.

It starts with a doctor driving around the Italian countryside at night looking for a particular residence and getting totally lost. He almost hits a pedestrian, or what he thinks is a pedestrian and skids off the road. Shortly after that a woman driving another car along the same stretch has a similar one car pileup. The doctor witnesses this, and seeing that she is unconscious, heads off to look for help, even though he is a doctor. He finds some weird castle, and takes a self guided tour of the place, which seems to be partially occupied by some Victorian S&M Nudist association. On his tour he meets a doppelganger of the female motorist. The doppelganger thinks he is someone else and they proceed to get it on, sorta.

Then the female motorist regains consciousness and wanders off and finds the freaky castle, where she meets some weird dude and then another dude who is the doppelganger of the doctor. They do not get it on. Eventually everyone becomes aware of their doubles and they re-pair off. Then their host, the weird dude who is not a doppelganger, has some nekkid ladies come out and dance and his creepy butler laughs maniacally a lot. I guess he is supposed to be Satan, or maybe just a distant weirdo cousin of Satan.

The ending is the only thing that makes the whole middle crazy/psychedelic/bad camera effect portion make sense, or at least excuses it. Of note: the worst spider prop/effect I have ever seen. Also of note: this film gets a Golden Treehorn, 100% of the female cast gets naked; Rita Calderoni even takes it off for both roles she plays.

Horror in the News

2007-06-15T09:15:00.000-06:00

The Museum of the Moving Image in NYC is hosting the "IT'S ONLY A MOVIE: HORROR FILMS FROM THE 1970s AND TODAY" Festival. It looks pretty interesting, and we've already reviewed some of the movies they're showing, but some we haven't.

The Vampire Lovers

2007-06-14T21:40:00.001-06:00

This is a personal favorite of mine. Not only are there some lovely scenes involving Ingrid Pitt and Madeline Smith but it also has that classic Hammer atmosphere and production quality. This is one of those films you welcome on a hung-over Sunday morning with an oversized cup of coffee. Far from being an edge-of-your-seat roller-coaster ride of gore and mayhem (it feels more like a serialized drama) it is nevertheless a cool flick that you can chill to. It puts the "class" in Classic Horror. Unfortunately it is currently out of print so you'll have to come over to my place to see it (and my copy is a DVD transfer I made from my original VHS cassette.) Either that or pay for a copy on the resale market (they're out there, of course.)

Technically, this film rates low using the Jeff method of film rating (although it gets 1 whole point for boobage.) It's not scary unless you're afraid of lesbians. It gets some unintentional laughs ("A big cat!") and from what I've read the eroticism in this film was something new for Hammer at the time. That gets us up to 2 points. I'm awarding it another point for being such a classy production with a cool little vampire mythos of its own. This is actually part one of what is called the "Karnstein Trilogy." Part Two ("Lust for a Vampire") can be found new for about $10. Part Three ("Twins of Evil") is a bit more pricey. If you can hang with Region 2 PAL, grab the $20.00 copy from Xploited Cinema. While you're there, check out the gazillion other cool titles they stock.

Oh, and another cool thing about this flick is that you can show it to your wife even if she's not a big horror fan. Luckily mine is and she dug it as much as I did. Perhaps Maude will post her take on it.

WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER HORROR FEST?

2007-06-14T11:34:00.000-06:00

Hey! You know, it's great and all that "8 Films To Die For" is making a return this year. But what about the Masters of Horror? I say we're sorely neglecting the series, here on DOH! (Dude, don't you just love the initials? D'oh!)

Except for one review from The Jesus, I don't think any of us here have mentioned this great series. And, it is coming back for a third season this October. It'd be one thing if we were just attempting to review the classics, or standout movies. But I don't think we're that picky, do you?

Now. I know Jeff and I have seen Imprint, Cigarette Burns, Dreams in the Witch House, Jenifer, Sick Girl, and Pick Me Up. And The Jesus has at least seen Imprint. That's 6 potential reviews from me and Jeff, and leaves 20 films for us to see (and however many more for the rest of us). Let's get on it! I'd much rather watch and review these movies than turds like Unrest. You heard me! That movie was a turd! A total TUUUUURRRRDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!! You know what that makes the director? A turd merchant! HA!

Sorry, Jeff, for the lack of linkage or reviews in this post. I'm just stopping in to briefly complain and insult movies. A troll-by, if you will:)

The Fog (1980)

2007-06-13T18:02:00.000-06:00

This movie sucked.

If I relied solely upon my own scale, this thing would get a -0.5. At the very best a zero. Here's a short list of what's wrong with this film:

It's not scary. If you were between the ages of nine and ten and snuck a viewing of this on HBO- then maybe.

Twelve minutes in and credits are still popping up on the screen.

Needlessly long scenes try to draw us into the environment and characters, which really pays off when we realize those opening credits have literally inserted themselves into the heads of the characters such that when they try to reason all their minds can come up with is "Carpenter... Carpenter... Carpenter..."

The most interesting aspect of the film (the curse) is never explained, and the carnage (if you can call it that) wrought by it is no where near memorable enough to justify the lame ass ending.

Adrienne Barbeau and Jamie Lee Curtis in the same movie in the eighties and neither one takes their top off? Are you fucking kidding me? How about that busty mayor's assistant? She's a no-name actress. Surely she's taking it off. No!?!? How about some topless fog, John? Can I get that? Fuck!

Were Rob Bottin's special effects good? Of course they were. And the cinematography in general was just grand. I realized this when a succession of about 20 perfectly composed shots of Antonio Bay were thrown at me to drive that home. And the acting was passable. Fine. But I don't care how you slice and dice it. It sucked.

You can't tell me you watched this film and wanted to grab your friends so they could see it. You can't tell me it "got into your head" or that you spontaneously vomited sharks the next time fog rolled into your town. I really don't give a rat's ass what you say... no wait... I DO give a rat's ass. A mouse's anyhow. I'm giving John Carpenter's "The Fog" a big fat George's Ass.

"Death of Horror"... Yeah Right

2007-06-12T14:18:00.001-06:00

The Dudes of Horror usually keep their opinions to their own site. Usually. But sometimes we step outside of our crypts and post on less reputable sites, like the one at EW: Guy at EW Tries to Jerk Us Around

The offending article was actually posted in the New York Times (links to it are provided on the EW page.)

For those who are interested, my original reply is below in unedited form. Comments are welcome.

What should have been posted here:

Frankly, I think this article is alarmist for the sake of getting more genre fans off their butts and into theater seats. Someone at Lionsgate is probably thanking their buddy Josh at EW for making sure there's a better turnout for the next round of movies later in the year. And let's not forget that Lionsgate is involved with the "8 Films To Die For" festival which is going to have another go at it this year.

Theatrical releases are much more important to studio execs than they are to horror fans. The fact of the matter is that there are more films available for you to watch on DVD than you'll ever have time for. How many "grindhouse" genre films have you seen with major releases in the past ten years? Zero. Alright, one- if you include the recent "Death Proof." Meanwhile, fans of grindhouse cinema have been treated to a steady diet of films on DVD- even from the major retail outlets.

The studios know there is a "built-in" audience for horror. Until blood stops pumping in the veins of our thrill-seeking youth, films at least marketed as horror will continue to pad the bottom lines of those studio budgets. That's what I feel this article is truly trying to gauge: dear horror fan, which two of the thousands of relevant screenplays should we run with for next year to ensure that more of you bite?

If horror films were banned from theaters tomorrow, it'd be the best thing in the world for fans. They'd be forced to either explore more of the "back catalogue" of the genre and/or take matters into their own hands by producing fresh movies with fresh ideas.

Either way you look at it horror isn't going anywhere, people.

The House on the Edge of the Park (1980)

2007-06-12T08:48:00.000-06:00

This is pure exploitation with just the thinnest of plotlines to bookend the movie. As Davis Hess said in the extras, it is in the style of Grand Guignol, an over the top style found in a lot of Italian films from the 70’s/80’s.

David Hess plays another sociopath, similar to what he did in The Last House on the Left (1972). He does a good job at having no redeemable qualities. He and his semi-Forrest Gump friend invite themselves to an upper crusty “get together” and proceed to hold the house hostage while they do as they please. Weapon of choice? A straight razor. The main protagonist of the movie looks like a dapper (well, dapper for the late 70’s) version of Cillian Murphy. Watch it and see if you don’t agree.

To match the thinness of the plot, this movie was filmed with a shoestring budget. The gore effects are simple and often laughable, the most egregious being the razor slash effects. Most of the time it looks like he is drawing on them in red crayon. However, this movie does score high points for its females-in-movie to females-who-get-naked-in-movie ratio. 100%. You heard me right. In the extras, Hess even claimed/implied that his “love” scene was the real deal.
3 Georges

Hostel - Jeff's Take

2007-06-09T20:09:00.001-06:00

Well, The Jesus allowed me to do this. She asked "Why not have dueling reviews?" So what the hell. I agree. Screw adding reviews as comments. (The Dudes of Horror can be fickle folk.) The Jesus says we can have every review as its own post. I agree. The Jesus says "Hostel" rates two-and-a-half to three Georges. I disagree...

...but not vehemently. I watched "Hostel" for the first time on my flight back from Colorado just following the "8 Films to Die For" horror film festival. Donny and I watched it on my PSP. That is, until I fell asleep. I finally got back to it this past week. And fell asleep again. FINALLY I finished watching the damn thing this morning. After a brief period of self-reflection regarding whether or not I have narcolepsy, I finally subjected the film to my increasingly tried-and-true George Formula. This was my original assessment:

Boobs: 2
Boo: 0
Ewww: 1
New: .5
Spew: .5

If you add it all up, "Hostel" strolls around Jeff Land with 4 Georges in his posse. "What?" I exclaimed to myself. "Four Georges? This can't be right!"

So I began reevaluating the components of my score. There were plenty of breasts bared in this film. Top notch breasts belonging to many different women whose names all end in "kova." Certainly above average. Gratuitous, even. I could shave off half a point, but no more. But certainly this film deserved at least a 1.5 for creeping people out, right?

And so it went with the other categories. For every half a point I could shave off of one, I could argue that another should be raised half a point. There was no escaping that "Hostel" had four pieces of George screaming in its dungeon.

So why did I feel like it didn't deserve the rating? I was halfway into figuring that out when I fell asleep again. And then it came to me in a dream. A dream about the hype of this film and the shameless name-dropping of a certain executive producer. The inference made by the marketeers that we were in for a brutal display of horrific events. Events which would scar our minds and forevermore cause us to shit blood whenever someone spoke with a German accent.

When I woke up from the hype, I knew why this movie rated so well. "Hostel" gets a high rating because it manages to do nothing new; instead, it does some of the best things rather well. The sum of this is that we get something that is effectively new: a torture flick with redeeming qualities. Whether you love or loathe the main characters you can recognize them as believable archetypes and suspend your disbelief enough to be genuinely fearful of sleeping with strange women near Bratislava. Especially if you're a frat boy and your parents named you "Paxton". The unsuspecting-victims-run-into-the-wrong-people story complication finds its 5,000th reincarnation here, but is presented with a good pace, a fresh location, and bountiful breasts. The acting is solid, especially for the genre. Rick Hoffman was excellent in a scene that was as tense as it was darkly amusing.

There's even a cameo by Takashi Miike.

All things considered, I have to say that this is probably the epitome of a four on the Georgian Scale for me. It's likable, memorable, and worthy of recommendation... but there's something missing that keeps it from being a horror classic.

Hostel

2007-06-08T11:55:00.000-06:00

First, I’ve got to say I was a little disappointed. I’m not sure what I was expecting, and frankly throughout the first 45 minutes, I was kind of hoping these assholes were going to die, and if at all, horribly. I didn’t mind so much that they were misogynists, it was the “ugly American” aspects. Then again, frat boys will be frat boys.

Secondly, it wasn’t as graphic as I expected. 90% of the “squeamishness” if you will, took place off camera. Yeah, a guy got his leg taken off with a chainsaw, although if he followed basic safety procedures and took the time to wipe up the blood from taking Paxton fingers off with said chainsaw, he’d still be alive and Paxton wouldn’t be. Safety first boys (which is what I said aloud to myself after chuckling). Ah, the folly of man.

All in all, I found it a bit contrived and hyped. That’s not to say I’m not looking forward to seeing Dawn Wiener being horribly murdered. I did laugh at “Edward Saladhands,” and “You registered as the King of Swing" and "Remember that guy with the thing on his lip..." Oh yeah, do you think that the “meat” in Mr. Saladhand’s salad was human flesh (tastes of chicken…)? Frankly, this picture of Eli Roth disturbed me more (not safe for anyone, anywhere or at anytime)!

As far as the Georgian scale – 2.5 – 3.0 George’s. It had the elements, bewbs, some Sapphic potential, lots o’blood, and a bit of ridiculousness, let's just say, I'm glad I didn't spend $9.00.

Jeff – I lied. It’s not a review of Slither; it’s a review of From Dusk till Dawn

2007-06-07T09:17:00.000-06:00

God, I love this movie. In fact, I’ve been known to stumble around drunk, trying to figure out if I’ve got the movie or the extras in the DVD player, while the unsuspecting suitor whom I’ve dragged back to lair is waiting for me to make good on my earlier promises, watches me try to figure it all out (it usually takes me switching the disks around at least twice). Anyway, it’s on my Island 100 (like you could pick just 10) AND it’s playing on Starz almost as much as Pirates of the Caribbean right now!

There’s so much good stuff in this flick, I mean in the first 30 minutes you get a Molotov cocktail with toilet paper, a guy bandaging his hand with duct tape (you really can use that stuff for anything!) big Kahuna burgers and the Wolf driving around in a RV. Then the fun really begins!

I mean how many people can claim that they went to the Baskin Robbins of strip joints on their family vacation – they’ve got 32 flavors of pussy, and Salma dancing with a snake (drool). Things quickly go bad for our friends as the strippers turn into really ugly looking vampires, Tom Savini (like you don’t know who he is) looking cranky as ever, and Fred Williamson show up to kick some ass.

Spoiler: pretty much everyone dies, except our Seth & Kate (you’ve got to have a potential love interest) and then Seth utters the best line of the movie:

“Did they look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a fuck how crazy they are!”

Personally, I give it 4 Georges. Others I’m sure will disagree.

Two Henpecked Reviews: The Hamiltons and Unrest

2007-06-05T20:10:00.000-06:00

I tells ya, sometimes it's tough to be a cool wife.

I mean, what would have happened if lo, many moons ago, I had lied to Jeff when the subject of horror movies came up? "Ew, no, scary movies freak me out! I'd rather do my hair and watch Survivor..." Simper, giggle!

Would I be here today shouldering a big guilt trip from the husband over me slacking on the horror blog? Because somehow I think in the normal world, guys don't get pissed if their wives don't get all Siskel and Ebert (or Ebert and Roper for you young ones) after watching body parts flying around for two hours. Then again in the normal world, men probably also expect their wives to dress better than me and my Aqua Teen Hunger Force XXL T-shirt. So I guess it evens out.

The truth is, I'm pretty shallow with my horror viewing. I don't come away afterwards with a deep need to discuss the film. I'm like a guy in a relationship that way. Was the movie good? Sure. Could I tell you what it was about in more than five words? Probably not. Horror movies, for the most part, are not made by directors expecting to contribute to Cinema (with a captial "C"). It's a fast buck, a quickie, a bag of doritos. You eat the doritos, toss out the bag, let out a thunderburp, and then forget they ever existed. And that's pretty much how I treat a horror movie. It's how I enable myself to continue enjoying them, pretty much. I don't WANT expectations - thus, I don't have to feel disappointed later.

There's the odd exception, of course. There are some movies that, in my opinion, should exist behind a wall of glass, they're that untouchable. The Exorcist, The Shining, and The Omen are some obvious favorites. Newer ones like the Dawn of the Dead remake, A Tale of Two Sisters, and The Grudge (the Sam Raimi version, not the original....so yeah, I'm not a purist) were solid gems that delivered the goods with style. These are films that leave you guessing and tense in your chair...possibly with a fringe benefit of getting yourself so creeped out that you leave every light in the house on...just, you know, because you like it that way. Not like you're scared or anything. Those are movies that get me talking, man.

But the vast majority of horror movies? Crunch, toss, burp, forget.

So....that's my overly long winded way of saying: Jeff, forgive me for the lack of reviews. And forgive me for the short reviews I'm about to deliver. Stop looking at me like that! I'll do my best, I swear!

Love, Maude

_________________________________________________

WARNING!!! MASSIVE SPOILERS BELOW!!!

THE HAMILTONS (Originally part of the "8 Films to Die For" Horrorfest that started off the blog)
Life's a bitch when you're the oldest child in a family of flesh-eaters and you're expected to take over as parent after Mom and Dad die. You've got social workers to fool, a shit job to pay the bills, twins Wendell and Darlene who are just a little too psycho to keep a low profile, Francis the Wonderwhiner a.k.a. "I am a typical 15 year old boy, I hate everyone, watch me be arty and morose with my camera", and a basement pet that must be fed. One wonders why David doesn't just say "You know what? Kiss my middle finger, assholes. I'm taking off for the Big City, where I've got my pick of gay boys to suck blood from. Hell, I could go to a Marilyn Manson show and be mobbed by Hot Topic freaks begging me to take a bite out of their asses. Later, losers!"

Vampires are a favorite of mine, and I give this movie kudos for approaching the topic from a fresh angle. There's no mystique, no crosses or capes - just a family of kids trying to keep their shit together, squabbling with each other, but who pull together in the end. Awww. So what if they like to bathe in blood?

All actors are solid "slightly above average for a B movie" material. Good, fresh angle on the story. A fair job on blood - nothing extreme or impressive, but not horribly laughable. No real sex or nudity other than a quick boob shot. I'm still a little fuzzy on the rating system. Are we judging based on components - as in, this movie scored on plot and acting, so I give it two Georges? Or based on the George guide, which would be 3 Georges, or, "I'd watch it again"? Eh. Three Georges. I liked it enough.

And now for....

UNREST

I have to curb my instinct to go with a quick negative review. Right off the bat I took a dislike to the main character, who has this Britney Spears psycho-ditz vibe going. The dialogue is bad - you can tell the writers were going for natural banter, but whether due to uninspired writing or bad acting, it comes off like a high school drama team in the middle of a painful acting exercise. The soundtrack, a jungle-boogie version of Carmina Burana, got annoying after the first hour, it was used so extensively and loudly. The romance between the leads is just cringeworthy - there's that natural banter attempt again, yet here it comes across more like porn dialogue without the tits and ass. And the plot? What could have been an interesting look at the spirit world and what the dead think of their treatment post-mortem, becomes a confusing film that focuses too much on shitty dialogue and too many frikkin' dead bodies, finds itself short on time, and has to finish explaining the plot in one big WTF!?! rush that thunders, jungle-boogie style, towards its final, retarded denoument.

There were some good gross-out moments, I will give it that. One good laugh at the beginning of the movie. And I appreciated the attempt at suspenseful camera shots. I initially gave it only 1 George rating, though. Gross corpse shots just don't carry the rest of the movie.

After consulting with Jeff, who was a bit taken aback at me awarding the first George's Ass - to a film he liked, no less - I'm reconsidering my final rating. As far as I was concerned, I didn't give it 0 Georges, so it could have been worse, right? But I didn't realize that 1 George was George's Ass, as in, "This movie sucked ass!" It wasn't THAT bad. But...I wouldn't see it again, and I hesitate to even imagine recommending it as a rental. You'd have to be a pretty voracious horror movie fan to get this low in the bottom of the barrel. Still and all...how about a rating of 1.5 Georges, or George's Ass and a Half? After all, this movie was pretty half-assed.

Bug (2007)

2007-06-04T11:07:00.001-06:00

Hmmm, how did I feel about this movie? Meh. I see what it was meant to do, but it didn’t get there for me. It was meant to draw the viewer into this psychological descent of several main characters, horrifying the viewer with their deepening madness and ultimate self destruction. But it ended up being sort of laughable, because we are never given cause to care much about the characters. They were never given enough depth/background/humanity/whatever for me to care. Due to that, and the extent of the crazy theories and lines like: “I AM THE QUEEN BUG MOTHER!,” (a few people were openly guffawing at this point in the theatre) the ending comes abruptly leaving one feeling unfulfilled by this movie’s potential.

It did have potential. I will give it that. A nice little claustrophobic setting: the squalid end unit of The Rustic Motel. (given there were only two scenes that occur outside this place, one can see how it was originally a stage play). However, the movie is chock full of unresolved threads and semi-red herrings that just end up frustrating the viewer. And how could they afford all that fricken’ aluminum foil?

There were some nice disturbing scenes and images, one involving a little self dentristry that I think surpasses the scenes in The Marathon Man easily. Also in the saving graces column are some skin shots of Ms. Judd.

Ultimately? Meh. 2 Georges.

Final Destination 3 (2006)

2007-05-31T08:01:00.000-06:00

Ready for a quick summation of Final Destination 3? Here goes: Death is the vengeful spirit of Rube Goldberg….. again. There. Done. If you have seen one movie from this series, you have seen them all. It is the same formula, just applied to a slightly different setting. Just a new round of fresh faced teens getting offed in the most complicated and splatteriffic ways by the faceless, formless spectre of Death who apparently has an ordered list of who dies next and is determined to keep on schedule. This movie is even self-aware of the series, with one character researching the events of the first movie. The only thing that makes this stand out, just slightly, from the other two is the presence of several pairs of young pert breasts in a tanning booth scene.

The killings are done with a decent amount of gore, although the trend nowadays with all these slick horror teen movies is to rely heavily upon CGI. In my opinion, too heavily. CGI is a nice accentuator, a nice way to enhance a prosthetic gore/horror/death effect. Add a few extra splatters or ribbons of viscera to the final effect. It shouldn’t comprise the whole shot. I guess I am just a sucker for the old school. Anyhoo, This movie was formulaic for the series, really gave us nothing new, just went through the paces to reach the logical, and Final, conclusion.

Evil Dead II

2007-05-14T22:14:00.000-06:00

"Workshed!"

The importance of this film is very hard to overstate. When I first watched it in the theater with my cousin at the tender age of 13 I never expected that two decades later it would have cured world hunger and the common cold. Alright, so maybe it only managed to scare a pair of teenage girls out of my theater within the first five minutes- but that's pretty damn important when you're 13 and hormones are kicking in with all the rage of a Candarian Demon. Come back here, girls!

In actuality, my libido was the LAST thing I was thinking about when this film was running. At 13, I was admittedly scared shitless at what might leap off the screen at me. This film was the big, bad Rated R. People died in those films if they weren't careful. In retrospect, I think the only thing that kept me from running in the footsteps of the two girls who wigged out during the decapitation scene was the fact that Evil Dead II made me laugh as often as it made me jump in fear.

If nothing else, Sam Raimi taught the world that horror and intentional humor go together like peanut butter and jelly. Sure, you can laugh at all of the unintentional humor in a film like The Screaming Skull but it takes a craftsman to come up with a hysterical middle finger joke after watching a gratuitous scene of self-induced mutilation.

I take great pride in the fact that I championed this film among my friends in college, well before there were a hundred versions of it on DVD (or even DVDs!) and when finding a video store with a copy for rent was difficult because fans were simply stealing them since it was out of print for so long. To this day, I'll stop whatever is going on among the guests in my house to make them watch this film if they admit to never having seen it. (Remember that before you come over!)

I could go on and on about the innovative film techniques and the personal trials of the film crew and the death-defying performance of Bruce Campbell, but you can read about that in Bruce's book. Chances are you've seen this film scores of times are are simply reading this because you want to give me high-fives in your mind. You know this film rocks and you know I'm justified in saying that it is the best horror film ever made during anyone's lifetime. FUCK YEAH, MAN! And if you haven't already seen it then where the hell have you been? There have been multiple video games and even a musical made based on this film. Hell, I'm surprised that General Mills hasn't licensed an Evil Dead breakfast cereal. (How much ass would that kick, huh?)

Now if you know anything about me, you know that I tend to mention female breasts a little too much when I review movies. You'd probably (rightfully) expect that any horror movie with a shameful dearth of (non-puppet, non-rotting) breasts would receive only a three of four rating on the ol' Georgian Scale. That, dear readers, is why this film is so important. A parade of naked Suicide Girls could be marching down my street and I wouldn't even get up to watch if Evil Dead II was playing on my TV. It's that damn good.

-2 points for lack of boobs (and making me look at rotting ones), +2 points for the scares, +1 for the "ewww" factor, +2 for breaking the mold with new concepts in film technique, and +2 for the laughs earns Evil Dead II a FULL GEORGE in my book, man.

The Georgian Scale

2007-05-14T20:22:00.000-06:00

When the first convention of the Dudes of Horror assembled in Colorado Springs, CO in November of 2006, the world shook in horror. But more importantly, Bunny Horror's Boobs:

were responsible for many beating hearts. Fortunately for you, the Dudes of Horror survived the experience and lived to bring you this kick-ass blog. One brave little mouse, on the other hand, did not:

That's poor George. The Dudes of Horror met him on November 19th when he snuck into Walter and Bunny's home. During a frantic chase around the house, George peered upwards with his beady little eyes and beheld the majesty of Bunny Horror's Boobs playfully jiggling as she ran- crouched over- to catch him. He suffered a massive mousy coronary and died right on the spot. Walter quoted the Looney Tunes ("I will love him and hug him and pet him and squeeze him – and I will call him 'George'.") Donny and myself laughed hysterically. Bunny sank into a deep state of guilt-induced depression after placing the lifeless body of George in his burial box (pictured above.) We later assisted Bunny with her recovery by taking the photos of her that you've been gawking at instead of paying attention to our reviews.

Little George didn't live past that fateful day and could no longer bring us the wisdom that his bewhiskered mouse chops would often utter (i.e. "SQUEAK!") but he has lived on in spirit though the Georgian Scale. No, it's not the name of a film about George's musical contributions or about climbing the first president. The "Georgian Scale" is our name for the Official Dudes of Horror Rating System. Films that would otherwise rate "5 Stars" according to lesser critics' scales will be given the "Full George" here.

Now you're probably wondering "where was this 'official' rating system half a year ago?" Well the answer- man- was that we had it but... uhhh... we were just, like, ummm.... too busy then to make these cool icons:

Ahh, George. In all of his splendor. What about films that rate less, you ask? Well for those we memorialize George in true horror fashion:

So you get the point. Of note is the 1/5 rating which also has a special name:

I believe it was Donny who decided that if we were only going to give one severed George part to bad films, it should be the ass.

Oh, and if there is a film that is so retardedly bad that it doesn't even warrant a severed mouse ass, we give it the droppings:

So there you have it. The Georgian Scale. Remember that it is up to the individual reviewer to determine how their review translates into Georges... so don't expect every Dude to act the same. If they did, we'd only need Donny. And that'd be a bleak world, indeed. (Shut the fuck up, Donny!)

(NOTE: There are unsubstantiated rumors that the death of George was actually caused by a delayed reaction to an advance screening of the Richard Brandes film "Penny Dreadful", but we're sticking with what we know...)

7 Films To Die For on DVD

2007-04-27T10:52:00.000-06:00

No, that's not a typo, man. They only released seven of the eight films because they knew my shit was right: Abandoned was the best film of the bunch. After Dark gave it a limited US release on February 23rd. It pulled in a whopping $1.2M... but that's $1.2M more than the other films made after the 8 Films festival was over!

Looking back, it seems that I either didn't review the film or I simply glossed over it. Uh.... sorry, man! I'll make sure I post a full review WHENEVER LION'S GATE RELEASES THE FUCKING DVD!!!

In the mean time I have three other DVDs to look at: "Unrest", "Reincarnation", and "The Hamiltons". I've already viewed Unrest again with Maud and I think she kinda dug it. It really does have a silly, weak ending- but it excels in skeeving out. That's the real draw of this film: being gross. It's not particularly gory or terribly scary... its claim to horror is that it makes you squirm and say "eeewwwww". Perhaps now that Maud has seen the film, she'll feel compelled to provide us her take on it.

What about the DVDs that I didn't buy? Well the only one that has any hope of taking my hard-earned $15 is "Gravedancers" simply so that I can play the Cheerwine drinking game (whenever you see the Cheerwine logo in the move- drink!) Can't really play that game with many movies, can you? (Please email me if you know of any more!)

"Wicked Litttle Things"? Please. We all know this movie should have been 15 minutes long and no more. Hell... with a little camp added it could have been a trailer shown during Grindhouse. Pass.

"Dark Ride"? You have GOT to be kidding me, man. There's no way I'd pay money to watch that ugly-ass redhead kid all grown up and wobbling around in a New Jersey fun house.

"Penny Dreadful"? I love you, Michael Berryman... and Mimi Rogers, your tits are great- but FUCK YOU Richard Brandes. Your film sucked sucked SUCKED and I'm boycotting all of your past and (snowball's chance in hell) future shitfests based solely on having to sit though this bullshit.

The Event

2007-04-17T07:56:00.000-06:00

Ahh, Grindhouse, you can’t really sum it up with one word, although, a good start would be go see it. Yeah, it’s not one word, but if you’re a fan of the b-movie, then what the hell are you still sitting there for, get off your ass and buy a ticket (It’ll make the Weinstein’s happy, and hopefully prevent them from separating the movies…).

This isn’t so much a review as it is my feelings on the Event. Jeff, Donny or Carl can provide a review.

Spoilers abound, by the by:

Planet Terror:

- Most cringe worthy moment / moment I could identify with – Marley breaking her wrist by way of her insensible shoes (those who know the identity of the Jesus will know what I’m talking about);
- Should a zombie decide to gnaw on my leg; a machine gun replacement would be awesome (that is, if Patrick Duffy and his celery leg were not available);
- Freddy Rodriguez – wow. You’ve come a long way baby. (Was his name a nod to “El Ray” from Dusk till Dawn?)
- Boils, ew;
- Quentin’s drippy dick, eww, ewww, ewwww;
- The ending was kind of sappy.

Trailers:
- Yeah, I want every one of those “movies” to be made.

Death Proof:

- I was a bit concerned about the beginning, it did start a bit slow;
- Rose should never go blonde again;
- What was up with Butterfly’s nose;
- I loved the revisit of the crash (seriously, the flash back to the car running up her head!);
- Son #1 – I really dug all the nods to previous movies, see above;
- Chase scene – I wonder how many people left the movie and immediately got speeding tickets (or ran blinking red lights…) That said, I wonder how may people put Vanishing Point in their Netflix queues?

Could it be that Grindhouse was Robert & Quentin’s version of the Chick Flick?

Holy Shit

2007-04-08T16:30:00.000-06:00

This is the scariest fucking thing I've ever seen. I have seen the face of evil.

Ahh, 70's Horror Movies

2007-03-24T16:20:00.000-06:00

Rabid (1977) - David Cronenberg and producer - Ivan Reitman. You read that correctly, Ivan Reitman. Of course, you're not watching the movie for either Mr. Cronenberg or Mr. Ghostbuster's himself, you're watching for Miss Marilyn Chambers and her aversion to bras.

I must confess, I really don’t understand exactly how Rose became, ah, infected with the armpit bloodsucking penis (excellent band name), but I assume it’s because of the skin graft the plastic surgeon took from her leg and sent off for the “radical treatment process,” but I suppose it’s doomed to be one of those mysteries that you never understand (kind of like Republicans). Anyway, Rose’s “dick” has some serious problems, a lust for blood, and jizz that turns you rabid. Granted the way she gets off isn’t exactly pleasing anyone (really, would it kill her to bring flowers or call once in a while?), but it sates her hunger, and turns scores of people into rabid zombies – a good time for everyone.

Any film where they’re using regular old garbage trucks (with snipers atop them!) to haul away the dead is a winner as far as I’m concerned. Also any film that has a dude, in the middle of a epidemic (who, by the way, is wearing cream colored leather pants) breaks down and cries when his girlfriend (granted she is Typhoid Mary) wants to engage in a little phone sex (yeah, she’s gonna die in a minute, but still) is pretty damn funny.

HoPoTo requisites include numerous scenes of Marilyn’s tits, but that’s about all. I thought for a minute we were going to get a little girl on girl action (and really, why not? It’s a horror movie, there was a hot tub, and Marilyn Chambers, why the hell wasn’t there?), but sadly, it was not to be. For an “R” rated movie it was pretty damn tame. I do want to track down the movies that were playing at the p0rn theater cause they seemed fun.

Strip Nude for Your Killer

2007-02-09T08:19:00.000-07:00

Ah, finally a title truly befitting the Dudes of Horror: Strip Nude for Your Killer. A classy little giallo (Italian slasher/horror/whodunit; look it up, kids) from ’75. I rented this from Netflix purely based on the title. How could I not? I mean, it’s all right there in the title. Killing and tit-tays, everything a Dude of Horror would look for when selecting a film to plop down in front of. (check out my sweet dangling participle)

It had a fair amount of everything that makes a giallo a giallo: lots of killing, lots of breast-ah-sez (and boosh, for that matter), and lots of not knowing who is killing everyone off until the end. Edwige Fenech is some nice eye candy. Overall a pretty decent little flick, given what it is and when it is from, but nothing truly memorable. No haunting/grisly/sexay or otherwise images that stay with the viewer, at least not THIS viewer. So, it is worth a watch if you like giallos and don’t have anything better to do.

Pudding Cups

2007-02-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

No, it's not a movie. Okay... so there probably IS a movie with this title. But I'm talking about this guy's blog:

http://puddingcups.blogspot.com/

Check out his first couple of posts in the archives. I know more than a few writers here who will feel as if this guy is blogging thoughts straight from their own minds. And the pictures he posts are certainly nice to look at!

What's this have to do with horror? Aw, shut up. We all know you don't read the articles.

-Jeff, Dude of Horror

What the hell is wrong with Takashi Miike?

2007-02-03T10:51:00.000-07:00

Seriously, was he tortured as a child? I never had a phobia about needles before - now I don't think I'll ever be able to donate blood again.

As disturbing as Audition, as weird as Three Extremes - Cut and thankful that I watched without surround sound (yeah, I know it was a lame segue, but still true).

Christopher comes to the f*cked up Island looking for the love of his life - Komomo the Whore. He meets instead: the chicken lady, the disfigured prostitute and the Madame who needs some serious dental work.

We meet all of the above plus the disfigured prostitute’s little sister, some random chick who wields the needles and the disfigured prostitute’s parents. A tale of pain, woe, incest, pedophilia and excruciating torture all in 63 fun filled minutes - yippe.

Don't have anything to eat or plan to do any embroidering for a good while after.

Sorry it's not more detailed, but I feel the need for a good, long hot shower and some cartoons.

Blizzard horror

2006-12-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

Snowed in! Nothing better to do than watch horror movies , but none were on during the day so I had to make due with 't3h hawt sexx0r' ( as the kids say ) with Bunny. Unfortunately for you , dear reader there is no video of that , fortunately there are two horror movies in my Tivo's to do list!

The first being a delightful zombie romp from the land down under , that's right undead Vegemite sandwiches ! It's like 'Attack of the killer tomatoes' but with funny accents and potted meat. Something deep within my soul draws me to a Aussie zombie flick , titled oh so creatively 'Undead' . Required reading before the movie can be found here.

After that is a movie damn near ga-run-teed to piss me off, BloodRayne. Come on, this HAS to suck vampire cock , it was 'inspired' by a video game and we damn well know nothing good can come of that! Will it be worse than Manos: The Hands of Fate? Well known as THE worst movie of all time and conversely one of the BEST MST3K episodes ever. Why would I subject myself to this dreck dear reader? Well, obviously I'm a movie masochist , or maybe I like to get hammered and watch bad movies only to post incoherent ramblings on 't3h intablag' . Whatever , fuck you.

Check back this weekend boys and girls, or don't.

-Walt

Last House on the Left

2006-12-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

Jeff – drool is okay, its other viscous fluids I worry about. It’s a long [ahem] review [story, epic tome, whatever] so it’ll feel like you were there.

Last House on the Left

First: The last horror movie I saw with Jeff was, I Spit On Your Grave [repeat in deep booming voice ad infinitum], so I thought it apt that I watch another 70s classic for my first review, Wes Craven’s the Last House on the Left. Second – when I was a kid, I was scared stupid to watch this movie (the house I grew up in was, you guessed it, the Last House on the Left… for similar reasons, I have never seen any of the Friday the 13^th movies – Crystal Lake was just down the road). Anyway, I must ask myself, just what the hell was I afraid of?

Wes gives us the story of Mari, Phyllis, Krug, Weasel, Sadie, Junior & Mari’s parents whom we shall call “Daddy Tard Chops” (or DTC[1] for short) and Mama Bites A Lot (MBA). I’m not sure if you could call this foreboding, but practically the first scene DTC comments on the fact that Mari is isn’t wearing bra and she starts to feel herself up. Right there, you know the night isn’t going to end well. I’m not going to pretend to understand the symbolism of cutting between pictures of a kitten on the bed (who looked remarkably like my cat), the babbling brook, the ducks in the pond and then back to the scene, but clearly that’s how Wes rolls.

General Observations / Requisite Horror Clichés

On the way out of town – Krug & Sadie engage in some spectacularly unimpressive vehicular sex.
Our trusty law enforcement officers[2] make the Keystone Cops looks like MacArthur Fellowship winners.
Call me crazy, but would you really want a girl you’re planning on raping, covered in & smelling of pee?
DTC later in the film channels his inner Leatherface and decides to do a little chain sawing (honestly, I kept waiting for him to swing the chainsaw around and start hollering).
Krug earns his father of the year badge and convinces Junior to shoot himself in the head.
MBA lures Weasel outside for some fun, drops to her knees and earns her nickname. (ouch.)

Sentences I can’t believe Wes Craven wrote:

Sadie – “I ain’t putting out no more till we get a couple more chicks.”
Krug – “Now piss your pants.” [that one’s for you my Canasian friend.]
Ada (she had maybe a total of 30 words in the entire movie) – “That’s 11 chicken coops, and I ain’t leavin my chickens on the side of the road to give you a ride[3].”

HoPoTo Requisites

There wasn’t a whole of breast flashes, however, you do get a little girl on girl action (yeah, she cried through the whole thing, but still).

I promise they’ll (the reviews) get better (you should have seen my first draft). Thanks for letting me play!

[1] Later in the film DTC lays out some rather magnificent traps, further revealing where John Hughes got his ideas for Home Alone.

[2] Our trust Deputy is played by Martin Kove, whom you will recognize as Cobra Kai Sensei John Kreese (no mercy).

[3] Okay, so they aren’t really that funny, but having them uttered right after our crack law enforcement officers fell off the top of the truck cab, required that it be included.

Introduction and Update

2006-12-07T14:40:00.000-07:00

Whassup, horror fans!?!

It's been a while since my last post (sorry about that, man) and this one comes with no photos or reviews (sorry about that, too. um. man...) Rest assured that I have plenty of posts just waiting to happen, along with plenty of photos remaining from our big excursion out to Colorado. Many of these photos require editing, and our resident photo editing wizard *cough* ...Karl... *cough* is currently indisposed. We are still indebted to him for his wonderful work during the film festival! And he owes me a punch in the nuts for (unsuccessfully) bugging the living shit out of him to fly out with us. Sorry, man. And thanks.

But here's some GOOD NEWS: I have the honor of welcoming aboard the latest member of the Dudes of Horror review staff: The Jesus, Dudess of Horror.

The Jesus is a long-time fan of film and will no doubt have many interesting things to say about the films she reviews. Many, many, many films have been watched by members of the review team in the The Jesus' very welcoming abode. As you read her reviews, hopefully it'll feel like you're right there with us in the living room. Feel free to sleep over, too... but don't drool on the furniture, man. It ties the room together.

Keep checking back with us for reviews! Two great ones this week from Walter and Maude. Thanks, dudes.

I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)

2006-12-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

Well, apparently it wasn't learn to swim. Of course not. I mean, why ruin the grand climactic scene of your so-so slasher flick by having the heroine escape Ivar the fisherman by just, um, jumping off the boat and swimming for the dock, which was all of ten feet away? You're trying to tell me that they could hit this guy with their car and push him into the water and he survives, yet she can't leave the boat for fear of instant death or something?

Also, I read "I know What You Did Last Summer" by Lois Duncan when I was in grade school. I thought it was tres sinister, read a few other of her books as well - "Stranger With My Face" and "Summer of Fear" (Which I believe was turned into a made-for-TV movie with Linda Blair). The movie is a complete bastardization of the book, that is if the bastard in question was a Hollywood executive with a brother who writes shitty screen treatments.

I gotta keep handing it to my girlfriend Sarah, though. She's a great modern day Scream Queen. And so succulent in her little denim miniskirts. I specifically say "succulent" because hey, I forgot that she used to be heavier. Don't get me wrong, she was hot then and she's hot now. But before actresses seriously got into the Lollipop Look (big head, stick body), she was kind of....um...fleshy? It's a shame, because she had some great boobs, and she dieted them away.

Out of curiosity, I Amazoned the book (mainly to check the copyright, since grade school was soooooooo long ago) and now I have a question. Are teachers now assigning Amazon reviews for book report projects? Witness the following kids' reviews:

What I thought of iIknow what you did last summer is it totally rocked and it was the best book I have ever read! I totally recommend this book for you!!! This book made me want to read more! I wish I had time to read everyone of her books.If you ever get the chance to read or whatch the movie do so! It leaves you wanting to know whats up next there is never a dull moment in the book, she explains everything so wonderful!That was my review!

Well, alright then!!!!

julie got up wonmarring and it wasover the summer and she had 1 letter by her bowl on he tabe it was a small white letter and in dark black letters it said her name juile. she opened it up and on the endside in said I Now what You Did last summer.See the summer befour that her and 3 othe friend of hers had been driving home and it was dark they didnt see the man walking in the middle of the road and they hit hem. They didnt know what to do so they tried to cover it up and they all said that they wouldnt tel anyone ever no matter what. Well the secret was out some how because someone know and was wanting reving. They looked for clues and tried to come up with an idea on who could know. All they found was that it was getting wors and in the end the only ones left alive was Julie and Berry you will have to read the store and find out what happens next but it is a really good book and you should read it.

Man, that just hurts my head. What's worse it that this kid probably texted in the review on his/her Sidekick.

this was a very good book it tells about and groop of friends going for a ride after a forth of july party on there way back from the beach they hit some guy loaded him in trunk of the car brought him to the docks and rolled him in the water then they made a packed and swore not to tell anyone what happen a year later one of them got a message saying that i know what you did last summer i recommend this book to every one is a good book all a round

Okay, in the original story, the "groop" hits a ten year old boy on a bicycle. So, good try there, Cliff Notes Kid. Next time you try to cheap out on your homework by watching a movie, make a "packed" to find out if the story is the same.

The book is not very good because the book no have pictures and no have killing,the movie is very good because have a pictures and in the movie have more pictures.

OMG! I had no idea that President Bush wrote Amazon reviews!

filmageddon

2006-11-30T21:51:00.000-07:00

The crapfest just keeps on coming! After the mostly dissapointing movies during the horrorfest I decided to rent The Omen (2006) hoping for a good remake* and I feel like beating someone to death. This movie was so bad , it was dull, tedious and uninspired. Liev Schreiber was as usual horrible, the man ruined the Manchurian Candidate for chrissakes , why he's not bussing tables by now is beyond me. Julia Stiles puts on a passable performance as the mother of the spawn of Satan played by Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick who is only kinda creepy, the kid from Godsend would have been better, that creepy little bastard. I'm sick of bad remakes riding on their names , if I write a shit remake of Scanners can I be a writer director too? Please? I can churn out garbage scripts and use 'safe' camera tricks with the best of the worst hacks allowed to make movies today. You know where to find me Hollywood.

* What , it could happen.

More Starbucks Terrorizing

2006-11-20T18:18:00.000-07:00

From 8 Films to Di...

Buy the Breakfast Blend!!!
These ladies know how to welcome the Horror Dudes! We had a blast taking fun photos like this one. Thanks, girls!!!

8 Films to Die For - Ranking

2006-11-20T13:26:00.000-07:00

1) Unrest - Good solid movie (character development, plot, kill scenes).
2) Grave Dancers - Donny disagrees with most of the other Dudes of Horror. Although this was no masterpiece, was still an entertaining movie.
3) The Hamiltons - A much different and original perspective than other horror films.
4) Abandoned - Probably would have ranked higher, but Donny was asleep during the plot building portion of the movie.
5) Reincarnation - The reincarnated murderer and victims, just didn't seem all that interesting.
6) Wicked Little Things - Overall bland horror flick. Donny agrees with Jeff that this should have been an episode on Tales from the Crypt. (Donny wants his money back)
7) Dark Ride - Watch the movie up until the first decapitation scene and then go see a movie worth watching for a full 90 minutes. (Donny wants his money back)
8) Penny Dreadful - If you read this and still saw the movie Donny would be disappointed that you were not spared your time and money. (Donny wants his money back and wants to be payed for lost time)

Wicked Little Things

2006-11-20T11:32:00.000-07:00

This film should have been a 30 minute "Tales From the Crypt" episode. It was essentially a lukewarm rehash of the "stumbling into a local legend that's real" category, which was much better done in films like "Pumpkinhead" that could afford the budget for creature effects and fill up the feature length with a little more substance than "teen girl goes on another date while mom finds more photos in basement."

It contained the girl falling down while being chased cliche, the flashlights only contain 5-year old batteries cliche, and the "local gruff character knows you're in danger but doesn't give you the scoop until much later" tired storytelling device.

It WAS cool to see zombie children hacking up annoying supporting characters, though. But I've done better horror make-up on Halloween with $2.00 clown kits.

And, no. You certainly know by now that there was nothing in this film that warranted incusion in a "too extreme for the Jackass staff" festival billing. And no nudity, for the pervs who want to know.

Watch it if someone else pays for the rental.

The Hamiltons

2006-11-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

Here we have an interesting example of how the hype packaged with this film festival can leave a bad taste in the mouth of the filmgoer when the film is actually GOOD rather than abyssmal.

"The Hamiltons" is a solid flick- one of four films from this weekend that I'd gladly watch again. It has a new twist on an old story in the form of a different perspective- we get a sympathetic view of classic horror baddies filmed lovingly in naturally bright surroundings rather than post-production color filters simulating night.

We're treated to a palette of interesting characters acted out by competent performers rather than a stock template of cliched horror archetypes (see Penny Dreadful... wait, scratch that. DO NOT see Penny Dreadful!)

And we get to see one naked boob for a split second.

So if the film is so good, how can the hype be bad? Quite simply because despite being a worthy expenditure of your time, this film is not "too extreme" in any single category. Gore? Not too extreme. The "Kill Bill" movies are far worse. Sex? Not too extreme. Heavier topics are touched upon regularly on prime-time network television and E! Hollywood Entertainment certainly shows more skin than "The Hamiltons", nipple or no nipple. Language? Nope. Check out "The Big Lebowski" or any one of your movie-going friends.

Is this bad in and of itself? Certainly not. But when your sights are set high for extreme content by a heavy dose of bullshit from the After Dark marketing department, any film- good or bad- is going to leave you feeling a bit empty if the most racy scene involves slightly more than kissing and Karo Syrup.

See this film, dear readers. But don't believe the hype.

-Jeff, Dude of Horror

Delayed in Horrorville

2006-11-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

From 8 Films to Di...

First of all: FUCK YOU CHEAPTICKETS.COM.

Donny and I arrived at the Denver International Airport for our return flight only to find out that cheakfuckfits.com mis-booked our return flight for a day later due to a website error. Here's why:

When you use the site to search for tickets, you enter in the date you wish to return. This is supposed to be... you guessed it... THE. DATE. YOU. WISH. TO. RETURN. Cheaptickets.com doesn't quite get this. They think you mean: the date you wish to begin to return, regardless of when you might actually arrive at your destination.

So when we chose to arrive back in Baltimore, MD on 11/20 on a redeye flight, cheaptickets misunderstood us to want to START to return to Baltimore, MD on 11/20 and actually arrive on 11/21. NO, NO, NO YOU FUCKS: NO!

So why, you may ask, did we not notice the departure and arrival dates of the return flight when we chose it? Because cheaptickets.com only lists ONE date on the website for your return flight: the date you chose to RETURN to the city you selected. So when we selected 11/20 to return back to Baltimore, the website showed us an itinerary for 11/20 indicating that we'd return at 5:25 in the morning, noting that it was an overnight flight departing at 11:55 pm. The obvious conclusion- SINCE WE CHOSE TO RETURN TO BALTIMORE ON NOVEMBER TWENTIETH- was that the departing flight would leave at 11:55 pm on 11/19 IN ORDER TO GET US BACK TO BALTIMORE ON THE DATE WE SELECTED.

That's not what "Andi" in customer service believes in logical.

"Sir, how can you expect to arrive in Baltimore at 5:25 am on 11/2o if your flight does not leave until 11:55 pm?"

BECAUSE YOUR WEBSITE FUCKING SAYS I CAN, BITCH!!! BECAUSE TWENTY MINUS ONE IS NINE-FUCKING-TEEN!!!

Or how about this gem from Andi:

"The website does not have a mind of its own."

Clearly, neither Andi nor Mark nor A.J. nor any other gene pool dropout at cheaptickets.com have a mind of their own. They read off scripts to their callers from their little customer service cheatsheets and justify the actions of every slasher movie villian who has ever been depicted on screen. Andi: fuck you. You truly deserve a slow, gory death.

After three hours of customer service hell, we received NO CUSTOMER SERVICE from cheaptickets.com. They didn't even offer us a fucking coupon, man.

-Jeff, Thoroughly Pissed Off Dude of Horror

Last Post Before the Plane

2006-11-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

It's been one hell of a great day (thanks, Bunny!) and one hell of a great weekend (thanks Walter AND Bunny.) We've taken in the last two films of the festival, and neither were completely horrible; in fact, "The Hamiltons" was quite good. Lots of reviews to come tomorrow.

For now... here are some more friends we've met along the way:

This is Brandon. Brandon rocks out during the 8 Films to Die For festival in his "Evil Dead: The Musical" t-shirt. We met before the 6:00 of "Wicked Little Things" simply because of said shirt. ROCK ON!

From 8 Films to Di...

The Horror Dudes craved coffee and stopped by Starbucks. Here we found Giro, Horror Barista:

From 8 Films to Di...

And here she is with Andrew, who understandably wants a taste:

From 8 Films to Di...

Alright... we're off to the airport, fueled with caffeine and high on Bunny Boobs. See ya soon.

-Jeff, Dude of Horror

Bunny's Breathtaking Boobs

2006-11-19T15:15:00.000-07:00

Dear, dear readers,

There really are no words that I write to do justice to the following photos. Suffice it to say that these photographs have succeeded in taking the collective breath away from all of the horror dudes here in Colorado Springs... and we'll be lucky if we can divert any of our mental faculties away to the films we're off to see in just a few minutes.

For your extreme viewing pleasure and in response to the pathetic lack of breasts in the horror film festival last night, here are beautiful Bunny Horror's Boobs. You're welcome. And our lives will never be the same.

Thank you, Bunny. And Walter: YOU LUCKY FUCKING BASTARD... we envy you.

From 8 Films to Di...

-Jeff, Breathless Dude of Horror

Fuck you After Dark

2006-11-19T13:49:00.000-07:00

Ugh, what a night. Six more hours of movies down, four to go. Last night we had the privilege , yeah thats it , privilege of viewing The Abandoned , Penny Dreadful and The Gravedancers. Aren't these films supposed to be scary? Wasn't this billed as too extreme for general audiences , too horrifying for the average Joe?

Lets get this out of the way, The Abandoned was a good movie, I enjoyed it and I'd watch it again. Which brings us to...

PENNY FUCKING DREADFUL! What the fuck? I'll admit I got some laffs out of this movie, like when runny nose crying girl ( henceforth known as RNCG ) figures out she can GO OUT the way the nutbag killer dude GOT IN the fucking car only to have the trunk slammed shut when she's inches from freedom. It's even accompanied by taunting laughter and banging on the car, like you did to your sister as a kid on a lazy sunday afternoon. RNCG apparently has car issues, some sort of trauma when she was young, strapped in a car seat watching her mother bleed out has caused her to have panic attacks at the thought of getting in a car.

Sadly the car and Mimi Rogers rotting corpse provide more entertainment than RNCG and the deranged bum trying to kill her. An especially funny scene involves a special kind of chemistry between corpse and car , whilst RNCG is passed out from self medication, the corpse decides to take a header into the cars horn and they make beautiful choppy horn music together with Mimis head gently bouncing on the horn, gravity and rigor competing for control. A good ol fashioned pencil in the eye slows down the deranged bum enough for RNCG to escape to the main road , find help , witness the bum get hit by said help only to presumably murder her benevolent rescuer. Fuck you spoiler whiners.

There is also the most inappropriate use of the 'scary one note' sound ever, applied at the ominous point when the digital clock rolls from 6:58 to 6:59. No fucking idea.

Thanks to this movie, I have panic attacks thinking about finishing the Horror Fest, I'm grateful for that you assholes. Everyone involved with this movie deserves a cockpunch, even those sans cock.

Gravedancers, god dammit this movie could have been good, unlike Penny Dreadful it did have potential. Drunkenly dance on graves ( in the undesirables section of the graveyard no less) , piss of ghosts and get haunted. A solid horror movie plot stillborn and it's corpse raped by a god damn production company suit hell bent on putting in schlock to reach out to its 'target audience' , a task at which they succeeded with gusto. The first scene of the movie had me thinking this would be the best so far, a girl obviously menaced by some pissy spirit is tossed around her house like a rag doll only to be finished by a gruesome hanging replete with eyes bugging out and uncontrolled limb twitching.

We continue with well designed scenes of unseen evils menacing our victims , especially poor Kria who had the unfortunate luck of dancing on a S&M bent rapist judges grave. He knocks her around in ways that would make Ike Turner uncomfortable ( See Tina, I coulda hit you like THAT! DAMN! ) and presumably rapes her but this is where the movie takes its first false step. Not really going all the way, tiptoeing around the issue, and above all no boob in any scene.

It's all down hill from here kids, The Studio Suit has taken over. Enter the fangoria inspired ghost faces , over the top characters and shit plot twits. I wont spoil it for you, but the 'end scene' looks like something on a cartoon network spoof, I call him Magic Skull. He likes Cheerwine.

Up on the chopping today is The Hamiltons and Wicked Little Things. If these two suck I'm mailing a bag of shit to Lions Gate and After Dark.

Man of few words review on day2 movies

2006-11-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

Abandoned
Woman researching mother she never met. Donny fell asleep during the plot building of this movie. Creepy from what Donny did see of the movie.

Penny Dreadful
Whiny bitch stuck in a car between two trees with deranged bum laughing at her. Should have been 60 minutes shorter. Worst movie seen in a long time.

Grave Dancers
Ghosts killing those who dance on their graves. Setup for a boob shot and disappointed crowd. Overall entertaining but could have been better.

Can you really sum an entire 8 film festival after having only seen two movies?

2006-11-19T11:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I do have certain conclusions. First, that the whole "too extreme for general viewing thing" was just marketing hype that I'm embarrassed to have fallen for. But that's how it is when you're a genre fan - just like a girl who keeps dating losers - you can never lose the flame of hope. Even though you're fairly sure that the guy who was great on paper is going to, on the second or third date, produce a lint collection, or a penchant for snorting like a pig, or confess to a teeny tiny restraining order from his ex-girlfriend...you just close your eyes, make a wish, and go for it. Same for the horror fan. And when the movie sucks? You move on, and when you see the preview for that NEW movie, you swear it'll be good. It'll be scary.

Second, after a little peeping online into the IMDB entries for some of the movies, I can see that I was not the only one of this opinion. It was agreed that, although some people complained that the HF organization never got it together enough to offer a weekend pass, that it was better to cherry pick and go to one or two movies rather than blow 80 bucks on all eight. And I agree, and am glad I got to see some of the better movies of the bunch. I don't agree that The Gravedancers was a good movie - it could have been good, if they had a better dialogue writer and, presumably, more budget to produce more ghost rather than save it for one or two scenes. But, okay, yeah, their hearts were in the right place.

Lastly, I just wanted to mention that I hear that these movies were all made in 2005 and that some of them are already available on DVD. Whether that is actually a legal release or a shitty bootleg, that I don't know. But that's kind of a crappy feeling, isn't it? Not so much that I saw movies that are out on DVD. I don't care about that. I do care if the advertising was misleading, however.

That's all I have to say about that...and that's my final review for the weekend. I do want to keep this up and review movies out of our collections for each other, guys. What else is that wall of DVDs good for if not for discussion of La Bete!

Saturday Night in Tinseltown

2006-11-19T04:03:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Zombieland! Your battered and beaten host is struggling to make this post here at 4:12am. It's been a long night full of good movies, bad movies, nice people, expensive drinks, cheap breakfasts, and a failed quest to bring you, our loyal Dudes of Horror blog reader, something that the films "Penny Dreadful" and "Gravedancers" didn't deliver: boobs.

Oh, sure. One quick flash in "Penny Dreadful"... but c'mon. That really didn't count. And NOTHING in "Gravedancers" which is simply inexcusable seeing that one of the main baddies liked to kidnap and torture women as a hobby.

WTF? Aren't these films hyped as too "blah blah blah" for general release? You could have shown "Gravedancers" virtually unedited on Nickelodeon.

As for "Penny Dreadful"... well, unless you count being mind-numbingly boring as controversial, it didn't contain the slightest amount of controversial material. I thought I was watching the Lifetime channel... and then I thought I was watching an hour of security camera footage of a girl locked in her car with a runny nose. Counting my nose hairs would have been far more entertaining (and horrifying.) Shame on you Mimi Rogers and Michael Berryman for thinking that a 10-page script would somehow spawn a feature length film worth watching, let alone worth paying to watch. It was a real stinker. But so was "Lost in Space", so shame on me I guess.

"The Abandoned" was very well done, however, and even if it didn't have some rather odd female nudity in it at the end I'd still give it a high rating.

No, seriously. I would. No, I really mean that. I do!

But the quest continues. We here at the Dudes of Horror will do our best to make up for the filmmaker's inadequecies whenever possible.

As mentioned, one of the things we were able to do was meet some great people. We'll keep taking photos of you as long as you let us! Stand up and be counted as the horror fan that you are! The Dudes of Horror salute you!

Here's everyone before the 8:00 showing of "Gravedancers":

From 8 Films to Di...

This is Lexi and Josh. Josh is doing some interesting stuff with his business... more on that later!

From 8 Films to Di...

And here's Courtney! She's been seeing many of the films this weekend and was happy to let us take this creepily lit photo of her in the theater:

From 8 Films to Di...

Time for me to pass out... but when I awake I'll be sure to spill the beans on the three movies screened today and post all of the bare breast photos that you lady fans out there have been flooding my inbox with.

-Jeff, Dude of Horror

The Gravedancers

2006-11-18T20:14:00.000-07:00

So this is what would have happened if Evil Dead had sucked.

The Fangoria reference? It did not save the movie. It only highlighted the sad fact that the only people who laughed, or screamed, or were at all impressed, were not horror movie fans who would have GOTTEN that little bon mot. I mostly looked around me in amazement for two hours. That is, when I was not snickering at the totally rad title sequence, wondering what flea market the set artists had picked up all the lovely artwork at, or who Kira's nipple chafer was, or which 8th grade loser's diary they lifted all the dialogue from, or trying to place the actor who played Vincent (who turned out to be "also ran" actor Tcheky Karyo, star of The Messenger, Addicted to Love, and voila! The Red Shoe Diaries).

That's it. That's my entire review. I'm already pissed off enough that I wasted the last two hours watching that Hot Topic inspired piece of shit, when I could have been lounging on the couch watching Lifetime movies.

Fucking amateurs.